Death of a Top Gun Pilot Part One
by alaarakk
Summary: Part Three in Dating An Instructor Series. Who dies? Who lives? Who continues to fly? What trouble and antic's do they get up too this time? Read on to see what excitement happens in my favourtie two's life.
1. Chapter 1 Changes

"Daddy! Daddy! You're home!" Two identical black-haired mini-tornados's charged down the hallway straight into their father's arms.

Lee put his hat aside and scooped one up in each arm. "Hello Rachael, hello Krystal, have you been good girls today?" He kissed each one on the cheek and carried them through to the kitchen where the rest of us were.

"We did painting today," Rachael said.

"Did you? Did you paint something for me?"

"No only Mummy," Krystal stated.

"Hey Handsome, I thought that was you." I gave Lee a kiss as I walked past with Jake's dinner, sliding into a dining chair opposite the high-chair that held the fifteen month old baby. Jake let out a crow of delight and eagerly gobbled down his first mouthful.

Lee lowered the twins to the floor and they raced off to argue over the TV.

Chelsea was up on a chair near the stove stirring a large pot of soup she and I had made.

"Hi Dad, I'm helping Mum make dinner," Chelsea gave him a huge smile as he looked over her shoulder.

"I can see that. What are we having?"

"Don't know." Chelsea shrugged.

"It's called soup," I replied as I spooned some mashed vegetables into Jake's eager mouth.

Both Lee and Chelsea leaned over the pot and looked closely at its contents.

Chelsea giggled, "It looks like runny poo-."

Lee clamped his hand over her mouth, "That's enough out of you. You keep stirring and hope it changes colour."

They both laughed when Lee came over to the table and tickled his son who let out a shriek of happiness. Jake promptly lost all interest in his dinner as Lee started a game of Peek-A-Boo with him.

"Lee!" I groaned annoyed, "If you're going to distract him you feed him."

"Ot oh we've annoyed your Mother. Dad won't be getting any desert tonight," Lee stated cheekily.

I sighed, dumped the spoon in the small plastic bowl and stood up. "You feed him while I help Chels with dinner. What did you do with the Mitchell's?" I asked as I too peaked over Chelsea's shoulder to see how the soup was going.

"Maddie was working late so Mav took the boys over to the office. They're going to take her out to dinner and come home later."

"Mum! Rachael won't let me watch my movie," Krystal walked into the kitchen rubbing her four year old eyes.

"It's not your turn!" Rachael yelled following her older sister into the kitchen. Krystal was older by three minutes. "Mum she's had four turns already and I've only had one."

"Oh well then it must be my turn," I replied looking at my twin daughters. "Either that or I turn it off?"

"It's okay Mum we'll find something else to watch." Rachael ran off out of the kitchen. "Come on Krys, let's choose something else."

Krystal followed her sister back into the living room.

"Now that's what I like, a tightly run ship." Lee grinned at me.

"And that's what I love, mashed veggies on a white uniform." I swiped a finger at the brown muck on the front of his uniform shirt courtesy of Jake.

"I can easily fix that." Lee stood up and unbuttoned his shirt with a sensuous grin at me. God he could tease. The shirt slid off his shoulders revealing the figure hugging white T-Shirt he wore underneath. Balling up the shirt he threw it across the kitchen in the general direction of the laundry where it hit the wall and finished in a heap.

I rolled my eyes at his blatant attempt to seduce me. Little did he know it worked.

"No kidding," I laughed and leaned down to reward him with a kiss. I loved him in T-Shirts, seeing the stretchy fabric highlight his toned muscular body was a dammed good sight but then again so was his bare naked body. The best thing about my husband was he knew all this and rarely wasted an opportunity to show off.

Jake squealed and clapped his hands before blowing a raspberry and showering Lee with more mashed vegetables and gravy.

"Kid you're the best; I knew we had you for a reason." Without any hesitation Lee slipped his mashed veggie and gravy covered T-Shirt off and threw it in the laundry as well. It didn't make it and came to rest on top of the crumpled uniform shirt. He then proceeded to smother his son's face in kisses making Jake squeal with delight.

It was late when I finally snapped off the hall light and was able to join Lee downstairs. I met him coming out of the kitchen with two cups of coffee in hand.

"Oh yum, thank you," I accepted the cup and wrapped my cold hands around it.

"They all asleep?" Lee asked snapping off the kitchen light and following me into the living room. I sank gratefully into the cozy cushions of the sofa. Lee settled beside me and promptly swung his feet up onto the coffee table, holding an arm out inviting me to snuggle up against his side. I didn't hesitate as I enjoyed the feel of his hard and sculptured chest beside me.

"Just about, Chelsea's reading and Jake's playing in his cot but the other two are out to it."

"Good." Lee's arm settled across my shoulders and I leaned back enjoying the peace and quiet. With four kids life could get pretty chaotic at times and add to that Maddie and Maverick's pair and you had a Kindergarten. Or so we called them.

Lee unearthed the remote control from beneath some cushions and turned off Bambi, the twin's current favourite show.

"They've decided to let some more women through the course. We've got four of them starting on Monday."

"Sounds interesting just remember you've already got yours." I kissed him.

"Oh I know that's why I put that ring on your finger."

"Sure you did." I leaned back and looked at him.

At that moment the key in the door announced the arrival of Maverick, Maddie and their two sons, Darry and Eli. Darry was seven while Eli was five. Maverick carried Eli while Maddie had hold of Darry.

"Hi," Maddie whispered as she nudged the half asleep Darry up the stairs. "Come on mate, you can say hi to Ashley and Lee in the morning."

"Is the coffee hot?" Maddie asked reappearing two minutes later.

"Yeap, help yourself." Lee replied as Maverick joined us in the living room. Maddie carried in two cups of hot coffee for them.

Maverick wrapped his arms around his wife and pulled her in close, nursing his coffee in one hand.

"So have you told her yet?" Maverick asked his partner.

"Nope," Lee answered throwing an unreadable look at his friend.

"Tell me what?" I asked curiously.

Lee sat back and sighed not looking too happy. I watched him for a moment sensing a reluctance to talk. "We're being promoted again only this time it's big."

"How big?"

"Huge, highest position ever that a pilot has reached."

"Which is?"

"One star Admiral, Rear Admiral that is."

"What?! Oh Lee! That's wonderful! Congratulations both of you." I gave Lee a hug but he wasn't his normal responsive self. Maddie was also strangely quiet and Maverick stared out the window like he wished he hadn't said a word. "Lee? What's going on? Why aren't you happy?"

Lee sighed tiredly, "There's more to it but I'd rather not discuss it right now Ash, please. We're up for promotion that's all you need to know at this stage. I'm going to bed."

Lee stood up suddenly leaving me cold and alone.

"Lee?!" I cried after his departing back feeling incredibly confused and lost. I turned to Maverick and Maddie not understanding at all what had just happened. "Does one of you want to tell me what's going on?"

"With the promotion comes an ultimatum," Maverick said.

"What ultimatum? What's going on Maverick?"

"If we take the promotion we cease the flying. Our careers are dust basically."

"And if you don't take it?"

"They have hinted at us taking early retirement."

"What?!" I cried for the second time that night. "They can't do that can they?"

"Yeah they can, they're the navy," Maverick muttered suddenly looking older and more tired than his thirty seven years.

"Look it's been a long day, how about we get a goodnight's sleep and things will look better in the morning," Maddie suggested yawning, her day in court catching up to her.

Maddie nudged her husband's shoulder and offered him her hand pulling him up off the lounge. Only he wasn't just happy with holding just her hand and swooped down, picked her up and threw her over his shoulder in one fluid movement.

"Maverick!" Maddie squealed as they disappeared from the room leaving me to follow when I was ready.


	2. Chapter 2

"Good afternoon Sir, may I help you?" The young ensign looked up into the handsome weather beaten face of some over forty casually dressed visitor.

"Yes you can, Ensign," His voice boomed out around the room and several people looked up startled. "I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of Captain's Mitchell and Sanders?"

"Certainly Sir and you are?"

"Commander in Chief Rodney Sutton, United States Army, 160th SOAR Unit," The Commander In Chief's voice boomed again.

The Ensign jumped a little but his words meant nothing to her.

"Follow me please." She stood up, took some papers that needed signing and started down the corridor.

"Sweetheart I'll follow your cute little ass to wherever it'd like to take me." The Commander In Chief flirted unashamedly and the Ensign gasped at the remark.

She wasn't sure whether she should pull him up on the inappropriateness of the remark or not.

Reaching Maverick and Lee's office, she tapped lightly and waited for the command to enter.

"Excuse me Sir, but this is Comm-"

"Commander In Chief Rodney Sutton, United States Army." The Commander-In-Chief strode purposefully into the room with his hand extended.

Maverick got to his feet as did Lee.

"Captain Adam Mitchell."

The two shook hands warmly.

"You're younger than I was expecting and you must be Captain Sanders?"

"Yes Sir I am." Lee also shook the unexpected visitor's hand.

"It's okay Ensign you can go," Maverick told the nervous Ensign.

"Um you need to sign these requisitions or the boys will have no flight time next week." She handed the paper work to him.

"Okay no problems." Maverick read the first one while Lee offered the Commander in Chief a seat and coffee.

"Another oxygen mask? That's the eighth one he's busted in a month! What the hell does he do with them?"

"I don't know sir."

"I'll sign the rest but this one I want to sit on, come back later, they'll be ready."

"Yes sir."

"Now she's a pretty little thing ain't she?" The Commander In Chief boomed again as the Ensign quietly closed the door behind her.

"Yes some of the boys have remarked on her desirability," Lee hinted.

"I imagine they have and that would of course include yourselves?"

Maverick smirked at Lee. They might be old married men but they still appreciated a pretty girl.

"We can't say it's escaped our attention Sir," Maverick replied and re-took his seat. "How can we be of assistance Commander?"

Lee leaned back comfortably in his chair, hid the email he was writing to me and propped his feet up on his desk.

"Rumour has it you two are being promoted?"

"Yes Sir but what does that have to do with the Army?" Lee asked.

"Well it don't involve the army exactly, they just happen to have the funds to develop us when we were formed."

"Are you with a unit of some sort?"

The Commander In Chief chuckled, "Gentlemen you are looking at one of many Commander In Chief's of the 160th SOAR Unit currently stationed at Fort Campbell, we're known as Nightstalkers. Heard of us by chance?"

"Yes sir," Maverick replied his tone of voice changing to one of thoughtfulness, his body language screaming interest. "And you're here because?"

"I'm here because you two have come to my Superior's attention and we want to find out how interested you would be in flying with us? You'd be on the helo's of course, but with your combat experience and no of flight hours I can't see that being a problem. It's not the first time we've inherited a navy or air force combat pilot. My Superior's have also heard that you are hesitant in accepting the position offered due to the fact that you have to stop flying, am I correct?"

"Yes sir," Lee replied a bit too eagerly.

"Good, you can fly helos can't you?" The Commander In Chief let loose with a booming laugh.

"About as good as your voice startling all the young female officers around here," Maverick flung back cheekily earning another booming laugh.

"Sonny, I like your attitude. Listen up," The Commander in Chief swung his feet to the floor and leaned forward resting elbows on knees. "We aren't no holiday camp for young pilots with serious reflexes. We are a combat veteran's group that requires cool heads, logic thinking and guts. The sorts of people we take are the one's that have lived their lives, done their tours and know the true meaning of the word squirmish. You guys have got it and I'm here to offer you a special look see tour of our home. You can chat to a few of the boys, get to know them, see if you like us and if you do, and your wives and families support you, I'll arrange for you to take the entrance exams. Flying helo's is no easy task especially when you've got a front line special forces team in the back that are half dead or injured and you're taking enemy fire. We fly at night mostly under NVG's (Night Vision Goggles) and we don't go above fifty feet in height. It's called flying the nap of the earth and it's scary. Dammed scary! Basic requirements is intense, and I mean intense, concentration if you want to live. We also provide live fire support to teams on the ground but mostly we're there to get the men in and out safely."

"The Hawk's aren't state of the art or anything with the latest radar technology etc. They are old and fairly well beat up, a bit like old cars, but with a bit of TLC they go like the clappers and rarely let us down. Well that is until a bullet goes astray and lands in the engine housing. Gentlemen this is no easy job. It is tough and it is dangerous, certainly not for the faint-hearted. You will be shot at constantly and at any second a bullet can end your life. That is the risk we take. Many of the guys find Nightstalker flying the most challenging of all and many fail when tested. Our selection process is tough and ninety percent of those invited to apply don't make it. The excitement far out way's that of flying jets well mostly that, some still miss being flung off the deck of an aircraft carrier via catapult."

"Gentlemen this job will use every single one of your skills and experience plus some you didn't even know you had. It's fast, wild and dangerous. We don't kid ourselves in that we're invincible; we regularly loose good friends, fathers, brothers, and sons at a much higher rate than any other group in the world. It's kind of a good reminder that we can't be invincible as you never know when you're going to encounter a bullet with your name on it. Only suicidal idiots seriously love this job and if you look hard enough you'll find plenty of them. Interested?" The Commander In Chief sat back resting an ankle across the opposite knee. While both boys hadn't hung on every word their interest was awakened and he figured he was looking at the two newest recruits for their exclusive band.

"What about our wives and families sir? If we uproot them and move, will they be taken care of in the event something happens to us?" Lee asked.

"They certainly will Captain. Our wives and families are reported to be the best taken care of dependents out of all the forces anywhere in the world. Hell we take better care of them than the Delta Operator's and they do look after their women. We have a retirement fund set up and when and if we loose a member with dependents those dependents receive it as financial assistance. The other wives are nearby ready with help, support and babysitting where necessary. If a member is killed the other families, pilots included, ban around them and help them move, find them housing anything they need."

"Do any of the wives work off base?" Maverick asked.

"Most don't, most are homemakers but there are a couple that do like to work. Your wives work?"

"Yes sir, both of them run their own business," Lee explained.

"What do they do?"

"Mine's a lawyer and Lee's is an Interior Designer."

"Oh we could use a good lawyer amongst us and I'm sure the women are going to love having an interior designer around. Why don't you two have a think about what we're offering and if you're interested I'll organize a tour of the base and facilities for both you and your families?"

"Sounds fair," Maverick stated. "How long's a tour?"

"There is no tour. Once you join us it's for life until you are either killed or injured out, which I might add is common. I think we've only had two pilots request to leave in the entire time of the Unit's existence, that's even rarer. Hell! We can't even get rid of our geriatric retired pilots. Whilst they don't fly they'll go up on training runs or generally help run mechanical checks, load up helo's, all sorts of things we don't get time for. We have a lot of pilots flying minus un-important limbs and you'll often here of them muttering I can still fly with four fingers or I don't need a foot to do take off so it's pretty rare for someone to be injured out. We have access to the same psych people as the Delta Operator's and provided you don't go do anything crazy, they're pretty good people when it comes to passing psych evals. Psych eval's are performed every year and straight after returning from a long stint in some god-forsaken place, its part of the rules and regulations but we do alright. Gentlemen I can assure you, should you decide to join us you won't regret it and you will be well rewarded. Our base pay starts on the same level as a two star Admiral."

"Monies not an issue sir-," Lee started to reply.

"Call me sir and I'll have you pumping up tyres for the first month of your assignment," The Commander In Chief muttered threateningly. "We don't bother with hierarchy or protocol much unless the situation warrants it or we're in trouble, happens more often than you would think. The name's Rod and if you address me by anything other than Rod the boys will take you out to the middle of the Atlantic, drop you off and let you swim home understand?"

"Sounds like my sort of place." Maverick smiled. He always had hated protocol stuff and was forever getting in trouble for it in his younger days. "Can we think about it? I know I'd like to talk it over with my wife first."

"By all means, here's my card." Rod handed out the blank white card to the boys. All it showed was a phone number. "Call that number when you're ready. It's my direct line and I'll be waiting for your call. Good afternoon gentlemen and thank you for our little chat."

"No problems si-uh Rod," Lee quickly covered himself and Rod grinned knowingly.

"Takes a little while but you'll get used to it." Rod got to his feet and slipped on the funny looking karkey army hat as he strode to the door.

"What if we have any questions?" Maverick asked.

"If you do then you aren't the right people for the job." He gave them a wave and disappeared closing the door behind him.

"Well what do you make of all that?" Lee asked still a bit stunned at the sudden overload of information.

"Basically someone in Washington has been watching us and they don't want our talents wasted so they're offering us an on-going flight role in the Nightstalkers."

"Do you feel like all your prayers have been answered?"

"Yeah although it might be a different story for the girls."

"Mmmm especially if we have to move, Fort Campbell's in Kentucky on the east side of the country."

"And they'll have to live on base by the sound of things."

"Ohhh no sex for me then for a week, Ashley's going to be pissed! She hates living on base."

"So does Maddie but right now that's not an issue. We have to convince them it's a good idea first."

"Flowers or chocolates?"

Maverick laughed, "Toss you for the flowers."

"Done!" Lee pulled a coin out of his pockets and they called heads and tails and tossed it in the air.

"Bugger!" They both exclaimed when it hit the floor.

"I'll swap you?" Maverick laughed.

"Done!"

*** ***

"Maddie!" I yelled when Hilda placed the huge vase of white roses and red lilies on the top of a nearby bookshelf. There were diamantes and freshwater pearls waved throughout the bouquet along with mint chocolates. The whole concoction screamed expense as was my husband's way of doing things. _'All my favourite things. What's he going to tell me this time?'_

"Yeah I got them too. Yours got chocolates?" Maddie appeared in the doorway.

"Mint one's, my favourite. This has to be big," I muttered feeling an impending sense of doom.

"Yeah and I've got the feeling we aren't going to like it."

"I'll agree with you there. I wonder what those idiots are up too now?"

Maddie sighed, "I have no idea and I dread to think of the possibilities."

"Maybe they've been given a whole fleet of ships to manage?"

"No chance! The navy barely trusts them with their airplanes; I can't see them willingly letting those two run ships. No I think it's bigger."

"Bigger? What on earth could possibly be bigger?"

"When I work it out I'll let you know."

"Okay you do that in the meantime I've got to finish this sketch and get it out to the base. Maybe Lee's free for afternoon tea and I can find out what's going on?"

"Worth a try, you know you won't be able to tell me don't you?"

"Oh of course," I laughed. "Do you want to know or rather wait to hear what Maverick has to say?"

"I'll wait till I see Mav and there goes that phone again." Maddie wandered out of my office and I sat for a couple of minutes wondering what was about to change in our lives yet again.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Impending Doom

An hour later Lee's impending news of doom was forgotten as my brain struggled to take in the doctors words. They were words like multiple, tumours, malignant, masectomy, possibly double and operate immediately. I struggled vainly to focus on what the Specialist was saying but it was no good. The deafening roar in my ears couldn't be ignored and the feeling of being in a fighter jet going down without a parachute left me quaking in fear.

"Mrs. Sanders?" The Doctors voice penetrated the enveloping mist of oblivion.

"Um yes?" My voice sounded weak and distant even to my own ears.

"Would you like a glass of water? I know this has come as a shock to you."

"Water would be nice." My world had been reduced down to mere days, hours and now minutes.

The doctor buzzed his nurse who appeared instantly with a cup of ice cold water for me. I sipped it slowly but didn't feel it's coldness as it passed my lips and slid down my throat. In fact I wasn't even conscious of drinking it at all.

"Now, I have a spot available for four tomorrow afternoon in my theatre list. You'll need to arrive at the hospital around eight in the morning and be prepared to stay a few days. Do you have someone who can help you with the children?"

"Um yes."

"Good. I'll make the necessary calls and we'll see you at eight in the morning. Will your husband be with you?"

"I guess so," I offered blankly with no idea what I was saying. Lee was the last thing on my mind as I struggled to take it all in.

I was in shock. That much I did know.

I had come in for a routine check up a couple of weeks ago and gone for the standard blood tests, nothing to get excited about. When my white cell count came back abnormally high my normal doctor thought it was most likely an infection somewhere but the anti-biotic's he prescribed did nothing.

Then I'd felt it one morning in the shower.

It was big and my doctor agreed it was, most likely a cyst but we'll do some tests to make sure, just to be safe.

Now the results of those were in and it was not good.

I had breast cancer and there were multiple cancerous growths in both breasts, the biggest fear was it had spread to the rest of my body.

The doctor wanted to do a double masectomy straight away hopefully stopping that from happening hence why I was booked in for surgery the next day.

_'They were going to turn me into a man!'_

The cancer and tumours didn't bother me. It was the loosing of that one part that defined me as a woman that did. Lee was going to hate it and that hurt more knowing I'd no longer be attractive to my own husband. I thought of all those beautiful dresses he'd bought me after I'd had the children. The pregnancy had altered my body shape and for the last five years I had enjoyed showing off quite a lot of cleavage but now there would be no cleavage.

No deep plunging necklines.

No open admiration or desire from any man.

I started to cry.

I wanted to scream and more importantly I wanted to stop living, which is how I came to be sitting in the car flipping the lid open and closed on a bottle of sleeping tablets I had asked for. The doctor had unhesitatingly prescribed them.

* * *

"Sorry to bother you Captain, but this is Liz from the crèche," The girl on the other end of the phone paused to let her words sink in.

It was almost half past six and both Maverick and Lee were still stuck in the office going through reports.

"Yes Liz?" Lee queried slightly confused.

"Um, sir, the centre closed a good half hour ago and Mrs. Sanders hasn't been by to pick the children up, we were wondering if there was a problem?"

Lee frowned in concern. "She's probably sketching and forgot the time, I'll come by and get them."

"Great! Thank you sir, that would be helpful."

Lee hung the phone up and sighed worriedly.

"What's up?" Maverick asked from where he was engrossed in a black hawk flight manual.

"Ashley, she hasn't picked the kids up from the crèche."

Maverick snorted in amusement. "She's got her head buried in her sketching knowing her."

"Maybe but normally she set's an alarm or something so she doesn't forget."

"Always a first time."

"Maybe," Lee muttered as he dialed the office followed by my mobile. The office phone went unanswered while the mobile rang out. "I wonder where she's gotten too? Ah well I guess that finishes me for the day, how about you?"

"Yeah."

The boys picked up hats, snapped off lights and locked the office door. The building was deserted, most people having already left for the day.

Maverick and Lee arrived at the crèche to be greeted by the sound of Jake screaming from outside.

"Doesn't sound like a happy camper," Maverick said as he slid out of Lee's car and followed his friend up the sidewalk.

The twins were happy playing with a puzzle while a young twenty year old paced the floor with a frantic Jake in her arms. Another care worker was nearby writing up the day's notes.

"Hi I'm Liz, I was the one who rang. I'm really sorry but I can't seem to get him to quiet down, I think he misses his Mum."

"No it's his dinner, he's hungry. Ashley normally feeds him at 5.30 but it's now half past six."

"Krystal? Rachael? Your Dad's here are you ready to go home?" Liz called to the two identical girls nearby.

The twins got to their feet and ran over giving their father a hug. Both were subdued more than normal and when Lee peered closely he realized they were tired.

"Mav you want to take the girls for me while I collect Jake's things?"

"Yeap, come on girls, last one in the car is a rotten egg!" He raced outside with two quiet four year olds following.

Lee shook his head and took his screaming son from Liz. She handed him the bag that I packed him every morning.

"Thanks Liz, see you tomorrow."

"Bye, bye Jakey." The girl waved at the screaming baby on his father's shoulder but it did little to settle him.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - Where's My Wife?

Pulling up at the house Lee frowned. My car wasn't in the driveway.

"Daddy where's Mum?" Krystal spoke up from the back seat.

"I'm not sure honey, probably still at the office if I know your Mum."

"Is she alright?"

"I'd say she's fine, she's probably finishing off some sketch and has forgotten all about the time. You know what she's like."

Krystal nodded seemingly happy with the explanation.

Lee collected Jake from his car seat while the twins ran inside announcing they were home. Picking up Jake's child care bag, Lee sighed as he shut the car door with his hip. "Where's your mother when I need her kiddo?"

Jake looked at his Dad, opened his mouth and continued to cry as he had done all the way home. "You're no help."

Lee smiled to himself as he walked inside.

"Hi Dad!" Chelsea skipped down the hall as the boys let themselves in.

"Hey Chels, have a good day?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"I got on detention again."

"What for this time?"

"I called Mike Sarandon a fuckwit."

"Well it's no wonder you got on detention then. I hope you apoligized?"

"No."

"Why not?" Lee set down Jake's child care bag in the hallway.

"You always told me not to apologize for things that are true."

Maverick pushed past laughing while Lee rolled his eyes. "We'll talk about this later. Right now Jake needs food."

"Maddie's in the kitchen but I don't know where Mum is. Maddie said she was coming home with you?"

"Yes well she didn't. Can you watch the twins while I feed Jake?"

"Yeah sure Dad."

Lee carried Jake through to the kitchen where Maverick was seated on a bench right next to the stove watching his wife get dinner ready. Lee went straight to the fridge and pulled out a container of Jake's food, placing it in the microwave.

"Hi Lee, oh what's the matter?" Maddie cooed at his son who was quiet for all of two seconds.

"Hi Maddie, you don't happen to know where Ashley is do you?"

"No I don't, didn't she catch up with you this afternoon?"

"No was she supposed too?" The microwave pinged and Lee settled Jake into his high chair.

"She said she was seeing Amy Jacques and then calling by to have afternoon tea with you. She didn't show up?" Maddie's eyebrows knitted together in a worried frown. "That's not like her she left the office at two."

"Mav, can you call her mobile?"

"Yeah sure." Maverick pulled his phone out and called up my number.

Maddie looked at him worriedly when she heard it click straight onto voicemail.

"Dad!" Four year old Rachael appeared in the doorway.

"What?"

"Krystal stole my pencil and now she won't let me have it back and I hate her!"

"No you don't. Who had the pencil first?"

"I did."

"No you didn't, it was mine and I was playing with it first," Krystal stated clearly.

"No you weren't," Rachael instantly retaliated.

"Yes I was!"

"You're just a poo-poo head!" Rachael always resorted to name calling when she wasn't winning an argument.

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are, poo-poo head!"

"Girls! That's enough!" Lee yelled in exasperation. Both went quiet. "Where's Chelsea? I thought she was watching you two?"

"She's upstairs with Darry and Eli." Krystal happily dobbed her older sister in.

"Right, Rachael you go and get Chelsea and Krystal you hand over the pencil to me."

"But Dad! I was using it for my drawing and now I can't finish it."

"You should have thought of that before you decided to argue with your sister. Pencil please?" Lee held out his hand to her and she slammed it onto his palm.

"I hate you!" She stormed out of the room.

"Love you too, honey!" He called out after her when he became aware of being watched.

Lee looked up to see Maddie and Maverick standing there watching the whole scene. "What?" He snapped tiredly and suspiciously.

"Never thought I'd see the day you'd get so domesticated," Maverick said.

"Shut up Mitchell."

Maddie laughed. It still never ceased to amaze her that either of them could be so domesticated.

"Okay so what did Ashley have to say for herself? Where is she this time?" Lee asked as he spooned the last of the food into his son's mouth. Jake reached for the spoon and Lee let him have it.

"It went straight to voicemail Lee," Maverick broke the news to him as he slid off the bench and sat down at the table.

"Now that's weird, she never has it on voicemail. Guys I'm worried." Lee tossed Jake's empty bowl in the sink, running his hands down his face worriedly. "Have you got Hilda's number at home Maddie? Maybe she'll know something."

"Hilda probably won't know anything more than what I do as she left early. I was the last one to leave tonight but it's worth a try."

While Lee washed up Jake's dinner bowl Maddie phoned Hilda.

"Well?" Lee asked shutting off the water.

"Hilda said Ashley had two appointments that afternoon, one with Amy Jacques and the other with a Doctor Langley at the base hospital."

"That's not who Ash normally sees," Lee said looking thoughtful and even more worried.

"Maybe her normal doctor was away and she had to see this guy instead?" Maverick offered helpfully.

"I don't know," Maddie said, "Hilda said Ashley didn't say anything other than she was seeing the doctor first, calling by the Jacques place and stopping by your office to have afternoon tea with you."

"Right, I guess I'd better call Spark's. Why was she seeing a doctor anyway? She's not sick or anything."

"Could have been a routine check up Lee, us girls worry about such things from time to time."

"I'll ring Spark's if you rescue our eardrums from the little drummer boy." Maverick indicated where Jake was happily banging the spoon on the tray of his high chair and chortling with glee.

Lee pulled the spoon from his son's hand only now Jake started to scream making it hard for Lee to hear Maverick so he gave it back to him.

"Dad! She did it again!" Krystal burst into the kitchen in tears. "I hate her! I'm going to run away!"

"No you're not, now calm down-" Lee's sentence was cut off as Maverick handed him the phone.

"Dad! Where's Mum?" Chelsea burst into the kitchen following her tormented sister.

"I don't know hone-, Oh hi Spark's this is Captain Sanders can I have a word with your wife for a minute please?………Thank you." Lee covered the mouthpiece with his hand and ordered his daughters from the room. "How on earth does Ashley cope?" He asked rolling his eyes. Maddie smiled knowingly. "Amy, yeah hi its Captain Sanders………Good thanks. Did Ashley show up at your place this afternoon?.................She didn't? Did she call you at all to cancel?.................Okay, no, no problem but if you do happen by chance to hear from her can you get her to call me?.......................That's great thanks. Bye." He hung up the phone and looked at his friends, Maddie's face starting to mirror his own. "Shit! Where is she?."

"Its not like Ashley to miss an appointment especially on base. Would the doctor still be in his office by chance?" Maddie started thinking out loud.

"No its past six, all of them would have gone home." Lee lifted Jake out of his high chair and set him on the floor to roam around. "Dam! Where the hell is my wife?!"

Right at that moment the phone rang and Lee snatched it up quickly, "Ashley?"

"Um no, sorry but I am looking for Ashley Sanders, I take it I have the right number?"

"Yes you do, who is this?" Lee's knuckles turned white as he gripped the receiver tighter.

"I'm Doctor Langley, Chief Surgeon of Oncology, I saw Mrs Sanders earlier today and booked her in for surgery tomorrow at four. I've since had a cancellation at two thirty so I need her to come in at six tomorrow morning instead of eight."

"Oncology's cancer isn't it?" Lee questioned his voice faint. Both Maddie and Maverick turned and looked at their friend, fear and worry written across their faces.

"Yes it is."

"I'm Captain Sanders, Ashley's husband can you tell me what's going on?"

"I'm sorry sir I'm not at liberty to say unless your wife has provided me with that permission and unfortunately she hasn't. I do hope you understand?"

"Oh I understand alright! We don't pay you enough to keep us informed!" Lee hung up angrily. For the first time ever his cool calm exterior started to slip and he was annoyed with himself to look down and see his hands shaking.

"Ashley's met with this doctor today and he wants to operate on her tomorrow at two thirty. He's chief surgeon of Oncology at the base hospital. What the hell is going on?"

"I don't know Lee but I think we should find Ashley and find her fast." Maddie laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Lee is there anywhere in particular she liked to go when she was upset?"

"You know as well as I do she always heads for the beach."

"Is there another beach she would like aside from ours? There's no one down there so-"

"I know which one. It has a lot of memories for both of us." He pushed himself away from the bench. "I'll be back."

"Call if you find her!" Maverick yelled after him.

"I hope everything's alright?" Maddie looked at her husband worried.

"Me too honey, me too." He drew her into his arms for a badly needed cuddle.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 - Accepting Fate

Lee swung round the corner and pulled up in the gravel car park with a skid, his heart beating at a thousand miles per hour.

My car was there, alone, in the gathering darkness.

The twenty minute drive had been hell and the relief at seeing the vehicle was short lived.

It was empty.

Lee ran along the beach path bursting out from between sand hills, scanning left to right, searching anxiously. Hands automatically dialing the house, "I've found her car, no wait she's here."

Quickly he hung up and ran towards the dark shape at the edge of the water.

For a couple of seconds he was grateful the sun hadn't gone completely down or he might have missed me.

I lay at the water's edge letting the waves wash over and around me, shivering violently but not feeling the intense cold.

"Ashley!"

I heard the voice from far away but didn't move, I couldn't. It was like I was frozen or I'd lost all power over my body.

"Ashley! Oh thank god!" Lee fell to his knees beside me, his face ashen with fear and worry. The wet sand and ankle deep water soaked the tan coloured working uniform he had worn that day. "Ashley?" Gently he lifted me into his arms, rolling me over at the same time. I blinked a few times as his hand brushed the wet salty hair from my face. "Oh thank god! You really had me worried, you know that? What the hell are you doing out here?! Why didn't you ring me?!"

I didn't say anything. I couldn't, I no longer knew how. I closed my eyes as a few tears leaked out.

"Ash, are you okay? Who's this Doctor Langley that wants to operate tomorrow?"

I looked at Lee as tears continued to course down my cheeks and he pulled close, holding me tightly.

After ten minutes of swirling ice cold sea water Lee realized the tide had turned and the water was now quite deep. The sun was below the horizon, its last rays' painting the beach in dark orange fading to black.

"Ashley we have to get out of the water. It's late and getting cold, think you can walk at all?"

Again I said nothing and Lee sighed as he stood up and scooped me up in his arms. He set me down on dry sand and sat down beside me.

"Are you going to say something?" Lee asked his temper and worry coming to a head.

"I can't," I whispered.

"What do you mean you can't? You just did. What the hell is going on Ashley?! Why are you out here? Who is this doctor that rang the house and why does he want to operate?" Lee asked his patience slipping fast. Still I didn't answer. "Come on Ashley! You've got to talk to me!" Lee stood up and walked away. He was angry, frustrated, confused, terrified and worried all at once.

"Ashley?" He knelt down in front of me and laid a hand on my knee. "Ashley what's wrong?"

I shook my head no again, "I can't."

"Yes you can! Geez what does it take to get through your thickhead that I need to know?! If I'm about to become a widow at least have the decency to tell me!" He yelled in frustration.

I looked at him and the concern I saw in his eyes was incredible but it was that amount of care that held me back. I didn't want to do this to him, I didn't want to put him through the hell I was going through myself.

"Ashley I know you're in shock and I know something terrible has happened but that doesn't mean I'll stop loving you. Ash, whatever it is I'll still be here for you." He tucked my sandy salty hair behind my ear. "Let me help Ash, whatever it is we'll fight it together."

"You can't fight it Lee, no one can," I said in despair.

"Can't fight what? The cancer? Is that it?"

Suddenly I looked up sharply, his words penetrating my fog. My voice trembled, "How did you know?"

"Dr Langley rang the house and said he had a cancellation. He wanted to let you know that you have to be at the hospital at six tomorrow morning. He wouldn't tell me what was going on but when he said Oncology I knew it was cancer. Ashley, where is it?"

I looked away. "I-I can't tell you. It's horrible."

"What is? Ashley, if you don't talk to me I'm going to walk away from you right now and leave you here. Please Ash; you've got to talk to me."

"If you want to go then go, I'll understand, after tomorrow you won't want to see me anyway."

"What are you talking about? You're my wife and I love you of course I want to see you tomorrow and the next day and the next. Why wouldn't I want to see you?"

Something inside me broke then and I knew I had to tell him, give him the option to leave me now rather than later as I knew he surely would.

"I have breast cancer. It's in both breasts. So far tests have revealed it hasn't spread to anywhere else and to help prevent that from happening," I hesitated, scared, sick and frightened, "They're going to cut them off."

There I'd said it! I couldn't look at Lee and laid my head on my knees where I wept yet again with open abandonment. I knew that night I would not stop crying.

"Oh Jesus!" Lee sat back on his heels struggling to take in what I'd said. He couldn't help himself his eyes automatically looked straight at my breasts. "Oh my love, no wonder you couldn't tell me." He gathered me close in his arms holding me tight and kissing my cheek, my hair, my eyes, anything he could reach.

Finally he buried his face in my hair and the two of us sat like that for hours weeping not knowing what else we could do.

*** ***

"Is she alright?" Maddie asked as Lee came back downstairs after tucking me into bed.

We'd returned an hour ago, soaked in salt water and sandy. Lee had literally taken me by the hand and put me in the shower like one of our children.

Shaking his head at Maddie's question he slid onto a seat at the kitchen bench and laid his head in his hands.

"What is it?" Maverick asked and while he didn't spell out what he was referring to they all knew what he was asking.

"Breast cancer, they're doing a double mastectomy tomorrow at two thirty. So far the cancer hasn't spread to the rest of her body or so they think. Ashley's totally distraught."

"She would be," Maddie mumbled fighting back tears. "Oh poor Ashley."

"Yeah poor Ashley," Maverick echoed quietly pulling his wife in close and hugging her.

"I just wish someone would tell me this is a good thing or-or something because I don't really see the point in it, do you?" Lee asked dazedly.

"What do you mean?" Maddie asked.

"Well she'd rather die than loose her breasts and yet here they are cutting them off to try and save her life. It just sounds crazy to me; does that sound crazy to you?" Lee laughed hollowly and it sounded fake even to his own ears.

"Wouldn't you rather have them removed and have your wife around for a whole lot longer than to see them left and watch her die from it?" Maverick asked.

"No Mav I wouldn't. She's a complete wreck right now because she's loosing a very important part of her body. Every time she gets up in the morning, changes clothes, looks in a mirror, goes swimming, she's going to see and it's going to remind her and its going to destroy her. Quality of life is far more important than quantity and if this is too hard for her then I'd rather not see her go through with it."

"Then don't have it done." Maddie stated clearly. "If it's going to cause you and her that much heartache and distress, don't do it. There's no law that says she has to have it done and you said yourself, if it doesn't kill her physically it will kill her emotionally."

"I don't know Maddie, I really don't. That's like playing god and while I'm not religious, I don't think I have any right to interfere in life's roulette table. Besides I keep thinking if she has them removed and the cancer's gone there's a chance that sometime in the future she'll put it all behind her and go back to her normal self?" Even though he asked the question they all knew the answer.

"She'll never be her normal self again Lee. You can't go through something like this and not have it change you. It will change her and there won't be any turning back."

"I know that but still it's a chance isn't it? God knows we need something to hang onto in all this."

"Mate why don't you get back upstairs and join Ashley, she probably doesn't want to be on her own right now. Maddie and I are only down the hall if you need us and we'll see to the kids. You just concentrate on being there for Ash okay?"

"Yeah thanks Mav."

"No problem now let's go to bed, it's late."

Maverick pulled his partner up and shoved him gently out the door as he also took hold of Maddie's hand and followed, turning off lights as they went.

Lee stood for a moment or two outside our room listening to the sounds of my exhaustive crying.

"Go on mate, she needs you more than ever," Maverick said.

"I know but it's just so hard." He reluctantly reached for the door handle, almost afraid to touch it and open it. Seeing me curled up in a ball under the blankets, crying, shaking and desolate was almost more than Lee could bear.

"Hey she needs you and when it's over, we'll be here for you and her too. You won't be on your own Lee that you can count on." Maddie laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

"Thanks Mav, Maddie, it means a lot having you guys here."

"Go Lee, go to her, she needs you," Maddie repeated.

Lee took a deep breath and turned the handle slipping quietly into the darkened room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 - Becoming a Man

I was numb the next morning as Lee got me up and dressed. I couldn't do a dammed thing and when I did, I made a mess of it or just sat there. He packed a few things into a bag for me.

We hadn't talked about not having the operation done it was taken for granted that I would. Lee knew it was the right thing to do only he wished he could take the pain away for me. Niether of us slept that night.

"Hi can I come in?" Maddie's head appeared around our door after knocking softly.

Lee looked at her exhausted. I just looked before turning away, the tears flowing faster than before. _'How could I tell my best friend that I couldn't stand to look at her because she had tit's and after today I wouldn't?'_

"Ashley?"

I looked up to find her standing beside me. _'When had that happened? I didn't see or hear her cross the room.'_

"Everything's going to be okay." Was all she said and gave me a hug. My arms crept round her of their own violition and she held me gently as I clung to her and cried more. "Do you need anything? I'll get the kids organized, anything in particular I need to know?"

"No," I whispered letting her go.

"Right we're all set." Lee spoke as he zipped up my overnight bag and set it near the door. "You want to say goodbye to the kids?"

I shrugged.

"Of course you do, come on." Maddie kept her arm around my shoulders and gently lifted me from the window seat.

Lee opened the door for us. He looked worried, scared, concerned, brave and fearless all at the same time and my heart really went out to him. He was about to loose his wife's body which he had enjoyed enormously over the period of time we'd been together.

I looked in on the twins who woke up when I kissed their foreheads gently. Maddie explained to them I was going to be away for a few days as I couldn't speak without crying. I was rewarded with little hugs and kisses and questions of, 'You will come back won't you?'

Jake was sound asleep in his cot in his favourite position, bum up and head down.

Chelsea was half awake when we came in and when Lee mentioned I was going away she wanted to come too. I couldn't do it too her but Lee promised to bring her in to see me as soon as he could.

"How do you explain to an eight year old where her mother's boobs have gone?" I asked quietly as Maddie and Lee led me downstairs, Lee picking up my overnight bag.

"We'll find a way Ash," Lee answered me.

I reached the bottom of the stairs to find Maverick waiting half dressed in uniform. He wore no shirt which would have normally made me smile but today all I could do was stare. Both boys knew how much Maddie and I admired there bodies and never wasted an opportunity to flaunt it. It was not unusual to find them in the kitchen first thing in the morning minus shirts. There excuse was the items were too hot to wear after an early morning run along the beach but Maddie and I knew better.

Maverick said nothing but drew me into his arms for another hug. I don't think I had been hugged so much before in my life as what I had in the last twelve hours.

"You'll be alright Ashley, and no matter what happens, you'll still be one heck of a beautiful woman and don't you forget it." Maverick whispered in my ear. "I'll still love and admire you."

I smiled weakly, "Thanks." There was no confidence in my answer. I didn't believe him.

Lee gently took my arm and tugged me away from his partner. "We have to go Ash."

He led me outside and into the car, closing the door behind me and waving to our friends. I looked at them thinking about everything we'd been through together. We had so many memories and so many good times together. I kept reminding myself that they would be here when I came home but I knew I wouldn't be the same person.

"Okay?" Lee asked sliding in beside me and putting the keys in the ignition.

"No."

"Good morning Mrs Sanders, you'll be in room five and the Doctor will be around to see you before your surgery. I'll just get you to fill out these forms and then we'll get you settled." The nurse greeted me cheerfully.

I wanted to yell and scream that she shouldn't be happy. _'How could she be happy? I was about to undergo surgery to turn me into a man and she was happy?'_ I resisted the impulse to crawl over the reception desk and scratch her eyes out.

Lee filled the forms out and gave them back to her. I signed where he told me.

"Okay follow me," The nurse instructed and led us down a hall to a bright sunny room where another lady sat in the second bed. "This is Leah, your roommate. Leah this is Ashley. Leah is lucky in that they are only doing a biopsy today. Ashley's having a double Masectomony done."

"Oh sorry to hear that. Is that because you have breast cancer?"

"No it's because I wanted a sex change!" I spat out visciously. How anyone could be so happy that day was beyond me.

The nurse looked at me like one would a naughty child and Lee turned me round, pulling me into his arms so I didn't have to look at anyone. The rotten tears started again and I was grateful for the solid wall of muscle that made up his shoulder.

"She's a little bit distraught, she doesn't mean it," Lee explained apologetically.

"Yes well these things happen," The nurse stated briskly but still disapproving. "This is your bed, there's your gown, you'll need to have a shower and put that on. No food or drink until after the surgery. Dr Langley has you scheduled for two thirty and the Aneathatist will be around to see you before hand. If there's anything you need just press the buzzer. Don't worry about unpacking your bag you won't be coming back here after the surgery." With that all said she vanished taking her horrible cheerful air with her.

"Lee?"

"Yeah Honey?"

"You will stay with me won't you?"

"Of course I will and god help anyone who tries to tell me otherwise." He kissed me gently. "You want that shower now or later?"

"Later," I whispered.

We stretched out on the hard narrow bed together and I was grateful for the warm protective cocoon of his arms. I could lie there and cry and breathe in the scent of him and know I was safe for now.

My roommate didn't try to talk to us again, probably because Lee's back was towards her, which was even better.

"How are we today Mrs Sanders?" Dr Langley asked as he walked in the room and picked up the chart the nurse had left on the bottom of the bed.

"Alright," I mumbled as bravely as I could.

Lee got up and walked towards the doctor, hand outstretched. "I'm Captain Sanders, Ashley's husband."

"Pleasure to meet you Captain and don't worry your wife's in safe hands."

"I'm sure she is but it's the after effects I'm concerned about."

"Are you worried about the cancer returning?"

"No I'm worried about my wife's state of mind."

Dr Langley pursed his lips thoughtfully as he surveyed my small and broken form. "Of course you are. There will be counseling available after the surgery, loosing one breast is a huge event in a woman's life but loosing two is, well, indescribable. I make sure all my patients have access to all necessary counseling services available. Don't worry I will keep a close eye on her both physically and mentally."

"Thank you for the assurance." Inwardly Lee groaned. The doctor obviously didn't know me very well.

"You're welcome, now has Ashley told you anything of what we're doing today?"

"She hasn't spoken much but from the little she has said you will be performing a double masectomony?"

"That is correct. Ashley has advanced breast cancer with multiple tumours in both breasts. We're lucky it's not a totally aggressive form of cancer but its certainly not slow moving. I am hoping that we've got it in time."

"Is it really necessary to remove the breasts?"

"To stop the cancer from spreading, yes."

"But you don't know if it has?"

"No Captain I don't. The cancer is concentrated in these two areas if we don't at least remove the infected tissue the cancer will kill her within three months. I'm in the business of saving lives and this is the only way I can see that will let you keep your wife and your children's mother."

"Sorry for the questions," Lee was taken aback but more annoyed than anything at the Doctor's abrupt attitude.

"That's quite alright. Now, is there anything you'd like to know before we begin?"

"How long before we know if the cancer has spread?" Lee asked.

"A week after the surgery I'll do more tests and see what's going on. Hopefully they come back all clear."

"And if it does happen?"

"It'll be followed up with a round of chemotherapy."

"Why not do the chemo anyway just in case?"

"It is an option that I'm seriously considering but for now it's one step at a time. Alright if there's nothing else I'll leave you two alone."

"Yeah thanks." Lee gave him a grateful smile but his attention was focused on me. I hadn't said a word. The doctor pulled the curtain across as he chatted to Leah. Lee slid onto the bed behind me and pulled me back into his arms as one might a small child. "We'll be okay Ashley, you'll see, we'll be alright."

As Lee stretched out beside me, pulling me back into his arms, his jeans pocket started to vibrate. Ordinairily I'd go into gales of laughter at the feeling of it against me, and spit out some crass remark but today I didn't even notice.

Lee sighed and pulled it out, flipping it open. "Hello Mum……………..Yeah, next few hours, Ash's a mess. Maverick ring you did he?................Thought he might. No just hanging out at the hospital but I'll probably go back to the office after she goes into surgery………………..Yeah, Maddie's getting a room ready for you……….That'd be great Mum, thanks…………Bye." He hung up the phone and slipped it back into his pocket. "Mum's on her way," He whispered kissing my forehead. I gave no indication that I'd heard him except for starting to cry all over again.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 - They're Gone

"So what have I missed?" Lee asked as he entered his and Maverick's office. He hung his hat up and covered a yawn. He was mentally drained, tired and grateful to sink into his chair before his legs gave out from under him.

"How is she?" Maverick asked looking up from what he was doing.

"Unconscious. She went in about an hour ago and they're going to ring me when she's in recovery. How did the kids go?"

"Like perfect angels except for Jake tipping his weetbix all over Maddie." Maverick couldn't resist a grin at the memory of Maddie's indignant face while Jake happily chortled away. "I also rang your Mum, she's on her way."

"Yeah I know, she rang me at the hospital. Suppose she's got her purpose some of the time," Lee uttered resignedly. He was that dammed tired he really wasn't thinking straight.

After they'd taken me into surgery he'd gone home and changed into uniform, despite the longing look he gave the bed. But he held off crashing out because he might miss the hospital calling when it was all over plus he didn't want to lie there thinking as he drifted off. Lee was not the sort to lie around and do nothing. He had to keep himself busy or he'd go just plain crazy.

"Ah now Lee, mother's are wonderful in times like these and as you know Ashley and Rachael are pretty close."

"Yeah suppose you're right. What else?" Lee bent down under his desk and popped a drawer out. Deep inside the hidden chamber he extracted a bottle of thirty year old scotch and two glasses. Alcohol was strictly forbidden on base but they always kept some for times like this. "Want some?"

"Yeah, had a call from Hollywood and he's flying the next space shuttle mission."

"Go Wood! I hope you gave him my congratulations?"

"I did. He'll let us know when the launch is."

"We'll have to watch it. Is Ice around? I'll have to tell him about Ashley."

"He's been around and I reckon he's seeing a girl, the aftershave has been particularly strong the last couple of days."

"Good maybe she'll loosen him up." Lee reached for the phone and dialed the number for Iceman's office and asked him to drop by.

While they waited Lee gave Maverick his scotch. He drank his own in one gulp and poured another one.

"Iceman, I'm curious," Maverick spoke as soon as the guy appeared in there doorway. "Tell me, whose the girl leaving long black hair all over the uniform?"

Iceman scowled but neither Maverick nor Lee missed the quick glance downwards to check. "Funny Mitchell. What did you want me for?"

"Have a seat, it's about Ashley." Lee gestured as he knocked back his second scotch and poured another one.

Both Iceman and Maverick frowned at the quickness of his drinking.

"Sounds serious?" Iceman said as he sat down.

"Right now she's being operated on for breast cancer. She has a number of tumours in both breasts and the doctor's doing a double mascetomy ."

"And when did you find out about this?" Iceman's familiar cold exterior shone through.

"Last night, I would have rung you but she's so distraught at the moment it's hard to think straight."

"Poor kid, is it only in the breasts?"

"For now, the Doctor's confident it hasn't spread but we won't know for sure until he does more tests in about a week's time."

"Let me know when she's out of surgery and I'll drop by and see her."

"I don't think that's a good idea Ice. She's really strung out about this as she believes they are trying to turn her into a man. You can try to see her but if I know my wife and your sister as well as what I do, she's probably going to yell and scream for you to get out of her sight."

"You getting her any counseling?"

"Yeap apparently the doctor organizes that for her."

"Good, if I don't get to see her, tell her I'm thinking of her and no matter what she looks like, she'll still be beautiful."

"I'll pass it on."

"Thanks."

An hour later three quarters of the scotch bottle was gone and there wasn't much left. Lee was light headed but not enough to be drunk, more likely pleasantly inebriated, when the phone rang. It was the doctor and I was out of surgery. Everything had gone well and looked to be a huge success.

When Lee arrived at the hospital five minutes later I was awake and screaming the place down. Nurses held me down while a different doctor injected something into the IV Line that fed the back of my hand.

"They're gone! You hear me, they're gone!" I screamed, traumatized.

Lee appeared at my bedside and gathered me into his arms holding me tight and shushing me.

"It's okay Ashley, you're safe now. It's all over."

"Oh Lee! They're really gone." I sobbed hysterically against his broad chest.

"I know Honey, I know."

"She'll be asleep in another thirty seconds Captain," The nurse mouthed quietly to him. He nodded and continued to hold me until I faded back into unconsciousness, my sobs quieting.

He laid me down and pulled the blankets up around me, tucking them in.

He sighed and sat back in the chair trying hard not to look at the flat space where my breasts used to be but unable to avoid it.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up into the concerned face of Maddie.

"The nurses told me she had to be sedated?" Maddie said.

Lee nodded, "Yeah she was. God Maddie how am I going to get her through this?"

"With lots of love, support, gentleness, care and time and it's not going to be easy."

"You can say that again, no don't." Lee instructed when he saw her mouth open. She gave him an easy grin and he managed a half smile.

"Any idea how long she'll be asleep?"

"Not really. The nurse said a couple of hours but she's still under the effects of the anasethic so it could be longer."

"Why don't you come home and get some sleep, I'm sure the nurses will call when she wakes up again."

"No I don't want her waking up and I'm not here. She needs me Maddie."

"I know, only now we have to convince her we all need her no matter what she looks like. Did you tell Ice?"

"Yeah he's going to try and drop by later to see her. I warned him she mightn't want him here but he's still going to try."

"It's going to be a long long time before she'll feel brave enough to face the outside world."

"The doctor's going to organize counseling for her but if I know Ashley she'll either laugh in his face, tell him to f' off or start playing games."

"Maybe in a while when she starts to feel better but for now she might just welcome the chance to talk to someone about what's happened and how she's feeling."

"I don't know Maddie, she's not talking to me a hell of a lot."

"That's because you have a connection with her body and the one part she knows that attracts your attention is gone, that's hard. But with a stranger its different, she doesn't have to please them if you know what I mean?"

"I think I do."

Lee sighed and folded his arms on the edge of my bed, he rested his head on his forearms and for a couple of minutes the two friends were quiet.

"Have you had a look?" Maddie asked quietly.

Again Lee shook his head, "I can't bring myself to do it. It's obvious through the gown and everything but I just can't do it."

Maddie nodded in understanding of how the guy felt. "Oh before I forget, Maverick's gone to pick up your Mother and Sister."

"That was a quick flight."

"Private plane's work wonders sometimes."

"Oh yeah I forgot about that. I guess I should go home and have something to eat, shower and change then I can come back."

"Good idea, let's go."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – A Lawyer's Son

Lee came downstairs fresh from his shower and feeling a bit more awake when the front door opened and Maverick walked in with his Mother and Sister. Rachael gave Lee a broad smile and held her arms open. Lee didn't need a second invitation and welcomed his Mum's hug immediately.

"Come through to the kitchen Mon, I think these two need some time," Maverick suggested tactfully.

Lee's Sister Monique nodded and followed Maverick into the kitchen where Maddie was organizing dinner.

"Hi Mon, good flight was it?" Maddie greeted the weary looking girl.

"It wasn't too bad all things considering."

"Aunty Mon! Aunty Mon!" The twins cried and came running from nowhere to throw their little arms around their favourite aunt.

"Hi you two!" She gave them a hug each.

"Are you going to be staying with us?" Krystal asked.

"Yeap."

"Good, I like you."

"Well I like you too, honey." Monique had no idea which twin was which.

At that moment there was a thud and a cry.

"Oh dear that's Jake," Maddie said.

"I'll get him I've got to take the bags upstairs anyway."

"Thanks Mav. Have a seat Mon, would you like some coffee?"

Maverick found the crying Jake and picked him up from the bottom of the stairs. Eli stood on the stairs looking rather nervous and guilty.

"What happened Eli?" Maverick asked calming the crying baby down.

Eli shoved his little hands in his pockets and hung his head.

"Eli?"

"He pushed Jake down the stairs Dad," Darry happily dobbed his little brother in.

"Eli?" Maverick enquired. He was relieved to see Lee and his mother had disappeared.

"What?" Eli muttered sullenly.

"Oh surely this can't be my tiny little grandson who used to fit in my handbag?!" Rachael appeared in the doorway of the living room.

"Yeap he's the one. What happened?" Lee walked over and took his son from Maverick and handed him over to his Mum.

"I think Eli accidentally bumped him down the stairs."

"Did you?" Lee asked only to be rewarded with a sullen look and a shrug.

"Eli answer the question please?"

"Darry you are such a pig!" Chelsea suddenly screamed from nowhere.

"Ot oh she found it!" Darry exclaimed and leapt over his little brother and father running off through the kitchen.

Two minutes later Chelsea appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Where'd he go Dad?" She cried.

Lee scratched his head, looked innocent and replied, "Out the front door."

"Yeah sure he did. Hi Gran, bye Gran." Chelsea called as she too leapt over everyone on the stairs and hurtled through the kitchen upsetting Maddie.

"If she doesn't believe me, then why did she ask?"

"Who knows?" Maverick laughed looking at Eli. "I think you can say you're sorry to Jake and Lee and that will be the end of it."

Eli didn't move or say a word. I think he was hoping if he did nothing it'd all go away.

Jake in the meantime had his grandmother's pearl necklace she wore most days and was merely feeding it into his little mouth. She didn't mind one bit.

"Why should I say I'm sorry when he was on the stairs and we all know he's not supposed to go anywhere near the stairs by himself? Had the person who removed the gate put it back in the first place I wouldn't have bumped him because he wouldn't have been on the stairs. I will apologize for bumping him but I will not say I'm sorry because he was on the stairs when everyone in this house knows he shouldn't be."

Maverick, Lee and Rachael Sanders looked at the six year old shocked.

"Oh the joys of owning a lawyer's son," Maverick groaned shaking his head.

Rachael Sanders laughed and Lee couldn't resist a smile.

"Alright Eli, that sounds fair to me now hurry up so we can go eat dinner."

Maddie had just called them all to dinner and they filed into the dining room, Jake happy in his grandmother's arms and Eli skulking along behind his father.

"Hi Mon, good to see you," Lee greeted his sister with a hug.

"You too Lee and I'm so sorry about Ashley, how is she?"

"Pretty banged up. She woke up earlier and they had to sedate her."

"Oh the poor thing but I'm sure she'll be fine. She's strong like you." She gave him a warm smile and a pat on his shoulder. "Whoa I don't' remember your arms being that well defined."

Lee smiled weakly at her. Normally ready with some crass sassy remark at such a comment he found he just couldn't be bothered this time.

"Darry! Let me in!" Chelsea screamed from outside the back door. "Darry Mitchell when I get my hands on you I'm going to kill you!"

Darry had managed to run back inside and had locked the back door so Chelsea couldn't get in.

"Like to see you try! You can't even get me!"

"Ooohhhhh!! You just watch, you may have locked me out but I'm not going to go away!"

"No kidding," Darry sassed back cheekily.

"Darry?"

"Yeah Mum?"

"Let her in please."

"No way! Didn't you hear her? She's a lunatic who wants to kill me."

"She will kill you when I put you outside, now which is it? You let her in or I let you out?"

"Ummmmmm," Darry looked from the audience around the dinner table to the pint sized black haired terrier called Chelsea outside. "Can you give me enough time to get to the table?"

"Done."

"Cool." Darry scampered over to the table and took his place next to Eli and one of the twins who scowled at him.

"What?!" Darry cried indignantly.

"Nothing," Rachael shrugged and turned back to her dinner.

"Man, all you Sanders girls are strange!"

At that moment Jake let out a squeal and babbled on in his baby talk, banging the spoon on the high chair table at the same time as he blew a big raspberry.

***

"God it's hard seeing her like this. It's going to take some getting used too," Lee murmured quietly to his mother.

They'd finished dinner and Lee had returned to the hospital taking his mother with him. Monique had been besieged by the twins to read them a bedtime story but said she would see me the next day if I was up too it.

"I know, but it's not forever. They try to get breast implants done very quickly these days."

"Implants?" Lee repeated not sure if he liked the sound of the words. "They're going to turn my wife into Pamela Anderson."

Rachael stifled a quick laugh at her son's naivety. For an intelligent man it was unusual to see. "No silly boy, they'll restore her back to her original size and give her back her womanly shape. They won't feel the same but the psychological benefits far outweigh the physical side."

"How do you know all this Mum and what's going to happen in the meant time?"

"I'm sixty-five years old, Lee. I've had a couple of friends go through breast cancer over time. The thing is there is help for her and they'll do what they can to help her through."

"I hope so because I don't think I can do it on my own."

"You don't have too." Rachael wrapped her arms around her son's waist and hugged him. "We're here."

"Won't chemo have an effect on the implants?"

"They won't do the implants until she's in remission, no treatments and proof the cancer's actually shrinking. In the meantime she'll be given a specially fitted padded bra to help maintain the illusion that something is still there. When they're ready to do the implants you send her to me for awhile. Your father knows a top implant specialist rather well and he owes me a favour."

Lee smiled, he couldn't help it. His parent's contacts in the world of the rich never ceased to amaze him. He looked down at me sleeping peacefully in the bed. "Definitely," He whispered back brushing my hair aside and kissing the side of my face.

"Lee?" I whispered feeling groggy as I struggled back into consciousness.

"Right here Honey." Lee's handsome face appeared in front of me as I opened my eyes.

Immediately the tears spilled over like they had a life of their own.

"There gone Lee, they're all gone!" I cried hoarsely and lapsed into sobs.

"Come here." He sat on the bed beside me and pulled me into his arms.

Rachael Sanders watched from a nearby chair. It was only when my sobs subsided a little that she approached the bed.

"Hello Ashley."

I jumped and turned almost fearful. "Rachael? What are you doing here?"

"I came to see how you were. Maverick phoned me about what you were going through and I had to come."

"I see you've come to gawk at the freak. Both you and my husband, you've got the money so why not? Well have a good look, both of you! Go on!" I tried to rip the gown up but Lee's hands were over mine fighting them until he could hold them still.

Suddenly he kissed me hard and passionately making me forget what was going on. He called it distraction I called it a subtle form of blackmail. As I started to relax he eased the kiss but I was still lost in the delicious sensations that kiss aroused.

"It's okay Ashley," He spoke quietly once we separated. "That's not why she's here and you know it. Mum has quite a few friends who have had breast cancer and believe me she understands a lot more about it than you think. She came because she cared and because we thought you could use her to help you through this."

"Well I don't want her here and I don't want her to see me like this! I'm just another freak!"

Lee was about to say something or kiss me again, I wasn't sure which, when his mother's expression stopped him.

"Yes dear you do look different and its going to get worse with all the bruising and swelling that will appear over the next couple of days. Never mind that you've yet to see yourself in a mirror without clothes to hide behind. You have also just woken up from major surgery and haven't even given yourself a chance to heal yet," Rachael stated in a harsh condescending tone.

"What would you know?" I instantly snapped back missing the small smile of satisfaction at my answer.

"Ashley," Lee warned in a low voice.

"I know right now you're feeling very sorry for yourself." Rachael put a quieting hand on her son's arm as she moved closer to the bed. "You're also hurt and angry and confused as to why someone would want to do this to you, am I right?"

"How did you know?" My voice lost a bit of its sharp tone.

"I've had friends who have been through the exact same thing and many a time I have held their hands as they've struggled to come to grips with what has happened. Things won't get better overnight Ashley but you need to give yourself time. It does become easier."

"They've turned me into a man, Rachael," I whispered so quietly it was a strain for both of them to hear me. "I'm scared."

"Of course you are what woman isn't? You've just lost the one valuable thing that makes you desirable and attractive to men, the one thing that makes you a woman, the one thing that can nurture children but underneath you are still you and no one can take that away from you. It's your spirit that needs to shine through now and I know you've got plenty of that, I've just seen it so let it shine and let it help you heal."

Once again I burst into tears only this time it was Rachael who drew me in for a hug and let me cry. Lee quietly slipped from the room in search of coffee and to give us time alone.


	9. Chapter 9

Chaptain 9 – Doing the Wrong Thing

"Captain, do you have a minute?" General Harding's voice barked down the corridor two days later.

"Yes sir." Lee turned around and followed his superior into the well appointed office.

"At ease, have a seat."

"Thank you Sir." Lee made himself comfortable in the leather chair in front of the General's desk.

"Captain is there something going on in your life that I should know about?"

Lee sighed, he knew someone would find out eventually and that was the last thing Ashley would want. "Are you referring to my wife Sir?"

"Yes I am Captain. My wife Anita, volunteers at the hospital in the children's ward and was up in Oncology when she saw Ashley in the corridor, dressed as a patient and trailing an IV none the less. You want to tell me what's going on?"

Lee sighed and sighed heavily. He knew this was the last thing I wanted hence why he hadn't said a word to anyone. Given my present state of mind the last thing she'd want is a bunch of fake officer's wives coming in to gawk at her. In fact, he had left word at the nurses station that I was not to have any visitors unless it was himself, his mother or sister, Maverick or Maddie. "Ashley had breast cancer and was operated on three days ago."

"Had?"

"Yes sir, the tumors were in both breasts and they have been removed, hopefully the cancer hasn't spread to other parts of her body. So we're saying 'had' to keep things more positive for her."

"And you didn't see fit to tell me this?"

"No sir, my wife is in a pretty fragile emotional state at the moment and the last thing she would want is for people to start pitying her."

"I see." The General steepled his fingers together and was thoughtful for a minute. "Do you need to take personal time? I'm sure Captain Mitchell can manage to run the place while you're away? I'm not sure Top Gun can handle Captain Mitchell in charge mind you."

Lee suppressed a small smile. Maverick happened to be very good at running the place but no one seemed able to believe it.

"No sir, my mother and sister are here looking after things so there isn't a whole lot I can do except sit around and hold her. Personally I welcome the distraction of work sir."

"Understood but if you need to go for whatever reason-"

"You'll be the first to know, I promise."

"Now how's the brief coming for this afternoon's meeting?"

They dissolved into conversation and started to plan that afternoon's meeting with four other General's and the SecNav's representative from Washington.

***

It was quiet in the hospital as everyone was at work and it was supposedly patient's rest time. Rachael and Monique had gone off to lunch and I lay there quietly staring out the window when I heard a noise. Turning onto my back I saw a sock puppet stuck on someone's arm peaking around the doorway.

"Hi, I'm lost. Maybe you could help me? I'm looking for this gorgeous red head that ran off with my best friend. You see she's lost something real important recently and well I came to tell her that she doesn't need them because I still think she's gorgeous anyway. Even prettier if you ask me."

"Hello Maverick," I muttered giving a half smile.

"Pretty cute huh?" Maverick gave me that cheeky boyish grin that Maddie fell in love with time and time again.

"I guess, what did you call him, Sock?"

"Oh you must be feeling better you're trying to make jokes."

"Can't help myself." I shrugged looking down at my hands and fidgeting a bit. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable with Maverick I just felt really awkward with him now that I wasn't a real woman anymore.

"How are you?"

"Lousy," I cried and promptly burst into tears.

"Oh hey don't be so hard on yourself." Maverick sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me into his arms for a hug. "You're going to be just fine."

Maverick let me cry for a little while. "Okay, your fifteen minutes is up, that's enough."

"What are you talking about?" I asked sniffling and accepting the tissues he held out to me.

"No more feeling sorry for yourself. From now on you're allowed to cry for a total of fifteen minutes after which you have to come up with a happy positive thought."

"What are you, Pollyanna of Miramar?" I muttered sarcastically. "I can't be happy Maverick! This won't let me!" I cried setting the tears off again while pulling at the flat pajama top I wore.

"No you won't let it let you be happy. Ashley, I know you've lost a very important part of what defines you as to who you are but, you're still alive, you've still got your personality and spirit. No one can take those away from you."

"Small consolation if you ask me."

"I happen to think it's a whole lot more than that because that is what makes you you not a whole batch of skin and soft tissue."

"Lee's going to hate it and so am I. I won't get to feel all those wonderful feelings anymore; he won't even want to look at me when I get out of here."

"Sure he will he loves you and love knows no bounds. Besides its not what's on the outside it's the person within that matters and he's known you long enough to see past outside appearances. As for those feelings well, there are other parts of the female body us men like to play with and if my wife is anything to go by, they're equally as good."

"I wonder what Maddie would say if she heard you talking like that." I managed a small smile.

"She'd agree with me or come back with some retort. Ashley," Maverick picked up my hand and held it gently in his. "You're a beautiful, beautiful woman with a lot to offer everyone who dares to love you so let us love you and revel in it. It doesn't matter what you look like, what you don't have or what you do have, it's you that we all love not a couple of bags of skin and tissue. Okay?"

I nodded yes against his chest the tears welling up once more at his kindness and lecture. "Mav?" I leaned back to look at him, our eyes connecting.

"Yes?" He whispered gently.

"Thank you."

"You're most welcome." He leaned forward and kissed me on my forehead, my nose when all senses fled and I sought his mouth with mine.

It was a mistake, I knew that. A huge mistake but I didn't care. I needed to know I was still attractive to somebody. His reaction said just the opposite.

Maverick reacted quickly and broke away from me, moving off the side of my bed and walking away clearly unsure of himself.

"Mav-."

"Don't Ashley, that shouldn't have happened and we both know it."

"Maverick I'm sorry. I can-."

"I'll drop by later and see how you're doing." With that statement he scooped up his hat and fled from the room.

Now I did feel bad and within a half hour of his leaving I was consumed by feelings of guilt and horror which didn't help the already non-existent self-esteem. The self-loathing and hatred bubbled up and poured over flooding every corner of my soul. Hot on it's heals came the decision to end it all. Lee no longer found me attractive so what did it matter.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 - Repercussions

Maverick sat quietly at the back of the court room watching his dynamic wife go hammer and tongs at some witness that refused to break. He actually felt sorry for the woman on the witness stand as Maddie tore her statement apart.

After the hospital he hadn't known what to do or where to go other than a deep need to see Maddie. She was as beautiful as ever and the swell of pride and love he felt upon seeing her was unmistakable and undeniable. In a way it was a relief for him as he had kind of liked the kiss in the hospital even though it was wrong. It was wrong for a lot of reasons, the main one being that he didn't think he harbored any of those feelings for me. Sure we were close but how close was close? Neither of us had actually tested those boundaries until now.

The witness was in tears as Maddie brought to light the affair that had destroyed her sanity and lead her to killing her husband. Of course the court didn't know this yet but Maddie had talked the case over with Maverick as she planned her prosecution.

Suddenly without a doubt Maverick knew he'd tell her of our kiss and fingers crossed she'd understand. Either that or his life was about to become a living hell, not only for him but the boys as well. As for Lee, well the guy would just thump him and that'd be it. Still the whole idea of telling your best friend you kissed his wife was just as daunting as telling his wife.

'Bang' went the judges gravel and court was adjourned for the day.

Maverick waited for it to empty before sneaking up behind his wife and slipping his arms around her slender waist.

"Oh!" Maddie jumped in surprised as he kissed her neck. "Where did you come from?"

"Back there." Maverick nodded towards the back of the courtroom. "Good case."

"Well we'll see tomorrow when the defense tries to tear my evidence apart but yeah I think it went well. Did the admiral let you out early or something?"

"Yeah I got off for good behavior," Maverick laughed nervously.

Maddie looked at him sharp eyed as she snapped her briefcase shut and picked up her jacket from the back of his chair. "What's up?"

Maverick didn't quite know what to say and could only sigh as the two left the courtroom.

"Mav?"

"Let's get back to the office and I'll explain then." He took her arm as they crossed the road but once on the other side he slipped his arm around her and hugged her.

Maddie couldn't suppress the wave of fear at what might be wrong with her husband.

***

Maddie let out the deep breath she was un-consciously holding and flopped backwards against the soft leather backing of her chair. Maverick had just finished telling her about what had happened between him and I and she wasn't real sure of just how to take the news.

"Why?" She whispered confused.

Maverick shrugged, "I don't really know, it kind of just happened."

"Do you have feelings for her?"

"Good lord no, Maddie. You're the only woman I want."

"So why'd you do it?"

Maverick sighed feeling like the lowest of the low. "I was comforting her trying to cheer her up and I dropped a kiss on her forehead and nose, like I would a sister. Next thing I knew I was kissing her."

"Does Lee know?" Maverick shook his head. "Are you going to tell him?"

"Yes, he's my best friend and if Ashley was cheating on him for real I'd be the first to say something. But unfortunately for me, I'm the bad guy this time. Honey, you have no idea how much I wished it hadn't happened. I wasn't even sure I was going to tell you but then I saw you in the courtroom, I knew I had too. I am so so sorry. I've never done anything like this before and I don't intend to repeat it." Maverick stood at her office window looking so sad, alone and dejected that Maddie's heart went out to him.

To both their surprise she got up and walked over to him, turning him to face her gently. "Hey, believe it or not I do understand and it's okay. I can't say I'm happy about it but I'll get over it. Right now my concern is Lee and quite possibly Ashley, her emotional state is so fragile at the moment that this probably hasn't helped matters any. Lee's got so much on his plate that I keep thinking we don't tell him."

"We?" Maverick wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close.

"We as in you and I."

"We have to tell him Maddie, I can't keep something that big from my best friend. I wouldn't feel right about it. Who knows maybe he'll handle the news a whole lot better if he was aware that you already knew about it."

Maddie nodded thoughtfully, "I agree, we can't not tell him."

"What on earth did I do to deserve you?"

"You listened to me when I told you not to dob your partner in for dating a trainee."

Maverick laughed, "Yeah I did too. I'm really sorry Maddie; this is the last thing I ever wanted to happen between us."

"I know." She reached up and pulled him in close marveling at the feel of his muscles rippling under his shirt as he buried his face in her neck.

They stood there for ages just holding each other and silently forgiving the slip up on Maverick's part.

***

Surprisingly Lee took the news well and hardly bat an eyelid when they told him. He got to his feet slowly and looked at his friends. "Thanks for telling me it means a lot and I'm sorry for her strange behavior."

"Lee it's not strange given what she's going through at the moment," Maverick spoke gently. "I can't give you a reason why it happened it just did, we've never been attracted to each other and you know that. But whatever was driving her to do something so out of character-"

"Are you saying this stupid kiss is Ashley's fault?" Lee's asked angrily his green eyes hardening.

"No, no I'm not. I was there and I was just as much responsible. If I knew a simple hug was going to lead to this I would have kept my distance but that's beside the point. I'm thinking that whatever drove us to kiss runs very deep on Ashley's part especially more so with what she's going through."

"I agree with Maverick," Maddie added feeling the need to back her husband. "Ashley's not impulsive and for her to do something like this there would have to be a deep seated need."

"It is out of character for her isn't it?" Lee looked at his friends hungry for confirmation that things weren't turning strange.

Before they could answer Rachael stepped into the room. "Yes it is. I'm sorry for eavesdropping but the twins are hungry and wanted some popcorn."

"It's okay Mum."

"I think all three of you are on the right track when you said there was something deep inside Ashley that has provoked such an intimate response from a friend. Whatever it is obviously needed answering and she has seen Maverick as providing that answer. I don't think any of you have anything to worry about and I suggest all three of you go and visit her. A united front might help allay any guilt she's feeling and that her friends are still her friends. Mon and I can watch the kids."

"Mum's right, shall we?"

The three friends filed out and climbed into the jeep. The twins and Darry deeply hurt that they couldn't go too but they all agreed I wasn't up to it just yet.

By the time Maverick swung the jeep into the hospital car park he was so fed up with all the jokes about that dammed kiss he was threatening to make his wife and partner walk home.

When they walked into my room I was sound asleep, a nurse sitting nearby in a chair watching me. My wrists were heavily bandaged.

"What's going on?" Lee stopped looking around confused for a moment.

The nurse smiled, "Good evening Captain Sanders, would you mind stepping out into the corridor for a minute, I'd like to have a quiet word."

Lee looked at his friends worriedly.

"Go on Lee, we'll be here," Maverick encouraged.

Lee nodded feeling slightly faint as he steeled himself up to find out what was going on. Ten minutes later he was back, his expression spoke volumes.

"What happened?" Maddie asked going to his side in an instant.

"She tried to kill herself, slit her wrists with one of the knives on her lunch tray. She's been sedated again but the nurses are keeping a close eye on her." Suddenly his eyes lit on his friend. "That was right after you visited her. She tried to kill herself because of you and that stupid kiss!"

Maddie jumped in front of Lee as he turned towards Maverick whose face was ashen. She felt him balling his fist and knew in his current state he was going to hit his best friend and that he was also looking for someone to blame.

"I'm sorry Lee; there was nothing I could do. It just happened! Christ what more do you want me to say? I didn't know it was going to drive her to do this. I didn't know anything except getting the hell out of here before things got out of control! Man what is the matter with you?!"

"You kissed my wife!" Lee lunged and Maddie had her hands full trying to keep the two apart.

"Lee!" Maddie snapped angrily at the man who was half out of his mind with emotion. "Lee it's not Mav's fault! There's things going on with Ashley that none of us could even begin to understand. No one could predict something so simple would drive her to do this. We can't read her mind! We don't know what she's going through or what she's thinking. There was no way we could have known." Maddie's tone quieted as she saw the fight leave Lee and was replaced with a look of desolation.

Slowly he walked back over and pulled the chair the nurse had vacated closer to the bed. Quietly he took my hand in his when the room was filled with a strange noise. Both Maddie and Maverick looked at each other alarmed when they realized it was Lee crying. Quietly Maddie went to him and wrapped her arms around his quaking shoulders while Maverick stood by patting his friends shoulder awkwardly, not knowing what else to do.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 – Escape and Questions

Two days later I was out and glad to be rid of the place. I was a little light headed and the walk across base to the Top Gun building was exhausting but I didn't care. It was a relief to get away from the piting eyes of strangers or the endless stream of cheerful nurses. I didn't feel cheerful so why should they?

To top it all off a shrink was coming in to chat to me everyday and I hated it! I wasn't a head case I was only minus a couple of tits, what was the big deal? So I played his game answering everything to satisfaction. To me it was a game although somehow, deep down I knew I wasn't fooling him. Still he didn't press me and I escaped way before he had the chance too.

I wasn't supposed to have left, I was supposed to have stayed another couple of days but I was utterly fed up with the place and I had checked out. The nurses tried hard to get me to stay but I wasn't having a bar of it. It was only when I threatened them with legal action for holding me against my will they relented. _'Thank you Maddie for teaching me that.'_

I shouldered open the glass door wrapped tightly in Lee's bulky leather flight jacket. It hid me well. Never mind the day was hot and sunny and everyone wore short sleeves and plunging necklines. I never noticed before just how many women there was around that showed off those girly assets I no longer had.

I put my head down and hurried quickly across the reception area to the sign in desk. I didn't want to see anymore reminders that I was no longer a woman. I think the worst part of the whole ordeal was that I wasn't a man either. I was an it and there was no group for them. The very sound of the words made me shudder in horror.

"Mrs Sanders, how are you?" The Ensign on the front counter greeted me; cheerfully.

"Fine thanks, is Lee in his office?" I asked as I signed in and clipped the visitor's pass on.

"I don't know Ma'am. He's been in and out of the General's office most of the day. Do you want me to page him or Captain Mitchell?"

"No it's fine I'll wait in their office."

"Okay Ma'am, if it's locked let me know and I'll let you in."

"Thanks Ensign."

I practically ran down the corridor remembering a time not so long ago when my own flight boots had pounded the same corridor. I was a trainee and we had scrambled to handle an emergency situation.

Their office was locked and I stood outside for a couple of minutes not really wanting to walk back up the corridor. Suddenly someone stopped in front of me but I didn't look up, I was afraid too. "You're supposed to be in the hospital?" The voice belonged to Iceman.

"Couldn't stay away from you," I muttered back defensively.

"Obviously, are you okay? I heard what happened between you and Mitchell."

"How nice for you."

Iceman sighed, "Sis are you really okay?" He lifted my chin forcing me to look straight up into his eyes. "You're not are you?" I shook my head not game to say anything. "You looking for Lee?"

"Yeah."

"Want to wait inside?"

I nodded as I answered, "Please. I don't want to walk back up the corridor to get a key."

"No problems." Ice removed a small slender tool from his wallet that I recognized as a lock-pick. Ordinairily I would have bombarded him with questions of where he got it from and why but today I couldn't have cared less. The lock clicked and Ice turned the handle opening the door for me.

Once inside I collapsed on their leather lounge and curled up into a ball to wait, hidden from view.

Ice left me alone and headed straight for the mess where he'd seen Maverick sharing coffee with Maddie.

"Mav?"

"Ice what can I do for you?" Maverick looked up from the earnest conversation he was having with Maddie.

"Ashley's in your office." Was all he said.

"Lee's in with General Harding, get him," Maverick ordered.

Both he and Maddie abandoned half empty cups of coffee as they practically ran from the mess.

"Ashley! What are you doing out of the hospital?" Maddie cried in alarm when she burst into the office and spied me on the lounge.

"I couldn't stay there Maddie. I just couldn't. It was horrible! They kept looking at me with these pitying eyes and the nurses were always so cheerful. It was horrible!!" I wailed and burst into tears.

"Oh Ashley." Maddie felt tears spring to her own eyes at the pain I was experiencing.

"I checked out and came here. You should have seen there faces when I threatened to have them charged with kidnapping. If I hadn't been so desperate I guess I would have laughed."

"I'm sure you would have. Is Rachael with you?"

"She and Monique wanted to do some shopping so I told them to go. Maddie, I just want to go home." I looked at her pleadingly.

"Come on I'll take you."

With Maverick's help the two walked me out to Maddie's car and helped me in.

"Ashley!" Lee flew out of the building after us. "Are you alright?"

I nodded swallowing back tears. "I'll be fine, I just want to go home."

"You should be in the hospital."

"I can't stay there any longer, Lee. All they do is look at me with pitying eyes. Everywhere I go people stare its horrible!"

"Okay, go home and get some rest. Where's Mum?"

"I told her and Monique to go shopping."

"Can you stay with her Maddie until someone comes home?"

"Of course I can." Maddie gave him a reassuring smile. "She'll be fine Lee, I'll look after her."

"Thanks Maddie, I'll pick up the kids on the way home."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Maverick asked quietly from beside his friend.

"No but would you be?"

"Nope."

"Hopefully home might make her feel better or something. God I hate feeling so dammed helpless! There is nothing I can say or do that'll help her except hold her hand and sometimes even that's hard."

"That's when you hand her over to me and Maddie. Lee we're your friends and we're here to help. We've been through a lot together and we'll go through more so anytime you need us you yell okay?"

"Thanks Mav."

"She okay?" Iceman appeared beside the two boys and while his face didn't give much away but his voice said a lot.

"No," Lee answered.

"Didn't think so."

"Aren't you supposed to be in a meeting?" Iceman asked to which Lee just gave him a withering look.

"Yeah just going back now. You completed those budget assessments I asked for last week? I need to present them if we're going to get the money to run a bad guy force?"

"Yeah I'll bring them to you," Ice replied and walked back off inside.

"How long's the meeting going to go on for?" Maverick replied in an incredibly bored voice.

Lee looked at him with a look that said, _'yeah I agree.' _"Probably the rest of the day."

Maverick pulled a face. "Rather you than me. We've got to do something about this Lee."

"I think we should mention the Nightstalkers offer to the girls," Lee replied watching Maddie's Porsche pull through the guard station.

"Is Ashley in any fit state to handle that information?"

"Maybe, then again maybe not. She might welcome a break away from here and the people who know her."

"A base on the other side of the country will fix that. How about we talk to them tonight?"

"I'll see how Ash is feeling first but yeah sounds good. I'd better get back inside."

"Hey Lee, want to go flying when you're done?"

"Mav you're a genius!"

Maverick laughed, "I know makes you feel good and consumes you mind so it stops you thinking so I figured you'd be in."

"Definitely."

The two boys walked back inside both feeling a bit lighter as they had something to look forward to later that day.

The flight that afternoon was particularly punishing and left both boys drained and bathed in sweat as Maverick put the plane through it's paces. Both of them came out smiling when they touched down and for the first time in a week Lee felt better. The two laughed, joked and jollied each other as they headed back into the pre-flight room for showers and to get changed back into uniform.

***

"Mummy!" Both black haired twins ran excitedly over me and smothered me in hugs and kisses. In a way I was glad to see them and reveled in their simple loving gestures.

Jake tottered over to me with his little arms outstretched and I scooped him up with a loving kiss. His answer to that was to squeal with delight and pat my face.

Chelsea hung back somewhat and looked at me warily.

"Why don't you guys go in the kitchen and see if Maddie, Gran or Auntie Monique has something for you to eat?"

"Okay Mum." Krystal cried gaily and took Jake by the hand.

Jake had other ideas and squealed indignantly before tottering off towards the fireplace where he'd left his favourite toy truck.

Rachael and Krystal both shrugged and ran into the kitchen.

"Chelsea are you okay?" I asked carefully.

She nodded, "Where were you?"

"I had to go into hospital for an operation."

"Were you sick and they made you better?"

"Sort of."

"Are you better now? Will you leave us again?"

"Not if I can help it but I can't promise you that I won't, Honey. I had some horrible bumps where they shouldn't be and they had to remove them. In a few days I'll have another test done to make sure they are all gone."

"But if the removed them then they'd be all gone?" Chelsea looked at me confused.

"Sometimes little bits can break off the lumps and move to other parts of the body without us knowing anything about it. Now would you like a cuddle?" I held my arms out to her.

Chelsea nodded and ran straight into them. I held her tight.

"Mum?" Chelsea pulled away from me and looked up at me.

"Yes Honey?" I stroked her hair.

"Where are your boobies?"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 – Taking Out The CO's Wife

**Fort Campbell – East Coast**

Maddie, myself and the kids were hustled into the SUV that had been allocated to us for the day, including driver.

"Where to Sir?" The driver asked the Sergeant who slid into the front passenger seat.

"Take us to Annabelle's. I believe she's got afternoon tea organized for the ladies."

"Yes Sir."

Suddenly a commotion erupted in the back seat as Eli worked hard at punching Krystal who only screamed and kicked back. Rachael cowered into my side, Jake squealed in delight from the baby seat while Darry and Chelsea went back to staring out the window ignoring the ruckus.

"Hang on a Sec Sergeant!" Maddie called abruptly just as the car started to move. "If we go any further there will surely be murder."

"Krystal stop it!" I commanded and pulled her away from Eli. Maddie quickly slid over into the back and sat between the pair. "You want Krys?"

"Yeah hand her over."

"My name's Krystal!"

"Krystal that's enough!" I warned weakly at the way she talked back to Maddie.

Maddie helped Krystal join me and I buckled the sullen girl in. Eli instantly settled down quite happy to have his Mum all to himself. Jake chuckled and kicked beside her, blowing raspberries.

"Are we right now Ma'am?" The Sergeant asked.

"Yes thank you." I replied and once again the SUV pulled away from the shelter of the building and onto the baking pavement of base road.

We were at Fort Campbell and while the boys were off touring the Nightstalker compound meeting pilots and god-knew who else, we were about to be taken to meet the wives. It had taken a lot of threats and cajoling on Maddie, Maverick and Lee's behalf to get me out the front door and onto the plane for the flight to the east coast. Ever since the operation six weeks ago I had not stepped foot outside our house. I didn't even go to work anymore.

The vehicle pulled up outside a nice two storey house that was surrounded by cars. Music and laughter came from somewhere and I froze. I couldn't do this. They'd all stare at me and then the questions would start. I felt sick, my stomach churning nauseously making me almost gasp for breath. I kept closing my eyes and telling myself to wake up but every time I opened them I was still stuck in the hot, stuffy SUV with two officers and my own family. This was no bad dream.

I wore what was essentially an oversized bra stuffed with padding to make me look like I still had tits. But it was big and unwieldy and I was horribly, horribly self conscious of the fact that it was there. Not to mention it made me sweat like a sauna in the heat. I couldn't wear plunging necklines without revealing scarring or padding and that too was upsetting.

"Maddie?" I whispered fearfully. "I can't do this."

"What?" Maddie stopped from where she was unbuckling Jake and turned to look at me.

"Of course you can, you've been meeting people all day."

"Yeah Lee was there to hide behind. This is different. This I can't do."

The kids were out on the sidewalk chatting to our two escorting Sergeants about the base and what their homes might be like.

"Ashley come on, you've got to try. You can't go around avoiding people all your life."

Suddenly a blonde head appeared in the open doorway of the vehicle.

"Hi, how you all doing today? You must be Ashley Mitchell and Madison Sanders, have I got that right?" The blonde asked in a thick southern drawl.

"No I'm Maddie Mitchell and this is Ashley Sanders," Madison corrected with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh silly me. Well come on in and get out of this awful heat. We've got some nice cold lemonade, home made all ready for you and of course the girls are just dying to meet you. Come on now, don't be shy. No one made any friends by being shy now did they?"

The blonde woman practically latched onto Maddie's arm and dragged her out of the vehicle. She threw me a concerned look while I continued to stare out the window. I was not going anywhere.

"Ashley come on, you have to save me from being smothered in Southern kindness!" Maddie hissed at me fighting the woman who was dragging her away.

I shook my head and dug my heels in, "I can't Maddie. I just can't!"

Maddie recognized the signs of stubbornness and sighed for the millionth time since I'd come home from hospital. I wouldn't be moving anytime soon unless someone literally put a bomb under me. Mind you with the frame of mind I was in, she wouldn't be half surprised if I sat there until it went off.

"Is there a problem? I'm Annabelle by the way," The crazy woman said as Maddie reluctantly straightened up on the sidewalk.

"Ash has had a long day and isn't really up to meeting more people." Maddie shrugged not knowing what else to say.

"Oh nonsense! We don't bite and once inside she'll feel better." Annabelle raised an eyebrow and looked at me like I was a difficult teenager not doing as they were told. "Why don't you go on in and meet the girls, air conditioners on. Oh Mel, this is Maddie Mitchell, Captain Mitchell's wife, can you take her and the children in out of the heat?" Annabelle spoke to another blonde haired lady who had strolled out to help or to sticky-beak, I wasn't sure which. "I'll be in shortly with Mrs. Sanders, she seems to be having trouble getting out of the van, isn't that the funniest thing?" Mel nodded and muttered something to Annabelle who giggled. "Oh and these are all there adorable children, aren't they just divine?"

Mel had a six month old bouncing on her hip which drew the twins to her straight away. They loved babies. She wore short tight clothes that revealed ample cleavage while the makeup was packed on, her ruby red lips prominent.

_'Lee's going to love her,'_ Was my first thought which brought tears to my eyes and an all too familiar feeling of wishing I was dead.

"Now what is all this nonsense about?" Annabelle rounded on me after Maddie and the children were lead away. "Of course you'll come inside and meet the girls, you can't hide out here forever," Annabelle's nice welcoming southern voice changed in an instant. I half expected her to produce a whip at any moment. "Now, I am ordering you out of this vehicle and inside, where, as a Nightstalker's wife, you will be expected to be gracious and attentive as always. If you don't I will get the two good Sergeants out here to carry you. Now come on." She reached for my wrist, hand, arm? I wasn't sure which but it was a mistake.

"Don't touch me," I snarled like a caged cat.

"Honey, I hate to break it to you but you are seriously behaving like a spoilt brat-." Her hand gripped my arm, the other releasing my seatbelt.

That was a mistake.

Annabelle got out of the vehicle, flat on her backside, with a cry and a swelling nose that leaked some blood. I slammed the door of the van and locked it quickly, the two Sergeants caught off guard at the commotion.

Maddie saw it all and the worst thing was she couldn't blame me in the slightest.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 – Repercussions

"What on earth possessed you to hit my future CO's wife?" Lee cried stunned as his rarely seen temper reached boiling point. It was the angriest I had ever seen him but there was something else also. It was an emotion I couldn't put my finger on at that moment, not that I was trying very hard too.

The two Sergeant's escorting us had gone and gotten him hoping he'd reason with me.

Maddie and Maverick plus all our kids socialized the afternoon away at Annabelle's while Lee took me back to the motel where we were staying.

"I didn't like her," I offered lightly as though my actions had been of no consequence.

"You didn't like her?" He repeated in disbelief.

"Nope." I got up and picked up a few items so I could go and have a shower and get rid of the sheen of sticky sweat that coated my body. I hated having a shower or anything else that involved undressing as looking in the mirror was pure torture.

"Ashley." Lee grabbed my arm as I went to go past him into the bathroom.

"What?" I didn't look at him.

"I haven't finished with you yet."

"Fine." I sat back down on the end of the bed and waited for him to continue.

"Honey I know this is incredibly hard for you but you've got to at least try. We're going to be living here soon and if you don't get along with these women you're going to find yourself very, very alone."

"Why can't we live off base like in Miramar?"

"Because with the way you're behaving, Maverick and I decided you're better off on base where Maddie has support from the other wives. Jesus Ash! Don't you listen to me anymore? You were there when we discussed this. You agreed to it!"

I looked at him blankly. "There's no need to shout at me and what if I don't want to be looked after?"

"Ashley be reasonable!" Lee snapped ignoring my request not to shout at me.

Our fights were becoming more and more frequent and it was starting to affect the kids especially Chelsea and the twins. We had never been a pair to argue but since the operation things had changed and our relationship was suffering for it. I think the worst part was that I didn't care anymore and that in itself was a burden.

"I am being reasonable!" My voice shouted and the inevitable tears started. That was the bit I hated. I could not argue without turning into a blubbering mess.

"Ashley," Lee ran his hands through his hair anxiously as he did when he was about to say something he knew I wouldn't like. "I think that under the circumstances you consider staying behind in Miramar."

"What? Are you saying you want to divorce me?"

"No! But you're out of control and I can't help you anymore. Ashley, I've bent over backwards for you. I've tried and I've tried to be patient and understanding but I can't do it anymore. My work's suffering, the kids are suffering. Maverick's been understanding but even that's wearing thin. Ashley I can't help you until you start to help yourself."

"When did you decide this?"

"I've been thinking about it the past couple of weeks and I'm afraid hitting my CO's wife just made up my mind. Ashley, I can't have you going around hitting people no matter how irritating they get. We have to live here and this is going to shortly become our life. There's lot more to it than flying fighters and I can't be away worrying about you while I'm working because as sure as eggs I'll get shot! Now, I have spoken to Maddie and she's more than happy for you to stay on in the Miramar house. There you'll have our friends support and just about everyone on base knows you so you won't be alone. You can have all the kids if you want, I'm not going to argue with you over them but I do think it's for the best we spend some time apart. At least until I really get settled in here and then we can reassess where we want to go from there. Ashley, I'm getting a little tired of looking after five children."

"Five child-…I-I'm not a child!"

"Yes you are and you're doing a top job at behaving like one too."

That was it! I couldn't sit there any longer listening to my own husband tell me I was a child and, that he no longer wanted me for a wife. It was like I was an embarrassment to him and that hurt.

"Fine! Have it your way!" This time there was no stopping me as I ran into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.

Barely a minute later and there was an almighty crash from within followed by tinkling glass. Lee felt the blood drain out of him as he pounded on the bathroom door begging me to let him in or at least answer. I didn't. Within seconds Lee had picked the lock and the door crashed over. His heart leapt into his throat and his breath was sucked right out of him when he saw me.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 – Help at Last

"Lee! What the hell happened?" Maddie cried as soon as she spied him crumpled in a hard plastic waiting room chair.

The hospital was quiet but the examination of his wife was taking forever. Groggily, Lee raised his head and looked into the concerned eyes of his friends.

"I-she broke the bathroom mirror. Th-there was blood everywhere."

"Oh god!" Maddie clapped a hand over her mouth in horror at the thought of her friend injured so badly.

"Has the doctor's said anything yet?" Maverick asked looking towards the closed door of the examination cubicle I was in.

Lee only shook his head as Maddie sat on the chair beside him and started rubbing his back in a soothing manner. "She'll be alright Lee, she's a fighter."

"No, no she's not, not anymore. The fight's gone out of her. I told her I was leaving her behind in Miramar and she goes and does this? If she had fight left in her she never would have done this, she would have hit me the exact same way she hit my new CO's wife."

"Lee don't blame yourself for this. You didn't make her go into that bathroom and break the mirror," Maverick offered wisely.

"I may as well have."

"What else happened?" Maddie asked.

"I called her a child and told her I couldn't help her anymore," Lee's guilt was evident.

"You know maybe it's just what she needed to hear?" Maddie ventured hesitantly.

Both boys looked at her like she was looney. "Well, if you hadn't have said those things maybe she wouldn't have broken the mirror and got in here where we can get her better help."

"Excuse me Captain Sanders?" A man in blue scrubs spoke.

"How's my wife?" Lee leapt to his feet.

"She's going to be just fine. Lot's of cuts, high loss of blood but we don't see any need for a transfusion at the moment."

All three of them heaved a sigh of relief.

"Can I see her?"

"She's a little weak and the nurses are just cleaning her up a bit but I'll come and get you when she's ready. In the meantime, I'd like to have a chat to you about your wife's condition." Lee nodded gravely while the doctor took a seat in a corner and motioned for the worried Captain to join him. Maddie and Maverick took seats beside him. "How long has your wife been feeling like this?"

Lee knew instantly what the doctor was referring too.

"Since the masectomy a month ago."

The doctor nodded and started to scribble down some notes. "Single or double?"

"Double."

"Had she been treated for cancer before the masectomony?"

"No."

"So it was sudden?"

"Very sudden, she went in for some tests, found out she had cancer one day and the next she was operated on."

"Do you have children?"

"Yes four."

"That must keep you pretty busy?"

"It's interesting."

"Does your wife work?"

"Yes she shares an office with my friend Maddie here."

"How old are the children?"

"Jake's almost two, the twins turned five last week and Chelsea's eight."

"Quite a handful wouldn't you agree?"

"Yes it is but Ashley loves it and Maddie here helps out. We've got six kids between us so we're always helping each other."

"Do you all live together?"

"We share the same house," Maddie replied.

"And how would the two of you describe Ashley over the last couple of months?" The doctor referred to Maddie and Maverick.

"Depressed," Maddie answered.

"Miserable," Maverick added.

"Does she get out much since the operation?"

"No," Maverick replied. "She hasn't left the house since the op."

"I see, so this is her first trip away and outside?"

"Yes and even then we had to drag her kicking and screaming," Maverick half muttered, half laughed at the memory of all three of them pulling me out of the house.

The doctor smiled, "Captain, did Ashley receive any additional help like psychological consults after the op?" He turned his attention back to Lee.

"If she did she didn't go. The oncologist said he always organized counseling for his patients after masectomy's but if I know my wife, she would have burnt the referral."

"I see." The doctor finished off his notes and closed the clipboard. "What I'd like to do is keep Ashley here for a few days. I suspect she's suffering from severe depression, maybe even post traumatic stress disorder, as a result of the operation and cancer. If this is okay with you, I'm going to organize for one of our top psychologists to come down and have a chat with her."

Maverick looked at Lee with a smile twitching at his mouth. Maddie grasped both boys hands tightly in relief and all three of them smiled at he doctor at the same time. "Doctor, that would be wonderful."

"You ready for this?" Lee asked looking into my eyes and reading my mind as only he knew how. We stood on the tarmac his father's private plane waiting for me and a light breeze blowing jet fuel fumes all around us.

I nodded, "Yeah I've come this far I may as well go through with it."

"If you need me you call okay? Anytime, even if I'm flying I will call you back as soon as I land okay?"

"Okay." I nodded and bit my lip. The co-pilot smiled nicely at me waiting patiently for me to board. I swallowed nervously.

"Mum and Monique are going to meet you at the airport so you've got nothing to fear alright?"

I nodded again and fought hard to give my husband a genuine smile. "Lee?"

"Mmmmmhhh?"

"Thank you, thank you for seeing me through this."

"Hey don't thank me yet, thank me when the surgery's over and you look a million dollars as always. Now go or Ned's going to close that door and lock you out."

We both looked at the co-pilot and gave him a wave. Lee laughed gently and slipped his hand behind the back of my head pulling me against him in a hug. "I'm going to miss you." He lowered his lips to mine in a sweet goodbye kiss. "Buy Cutie," He ruffled Jake's hair. "Stay away from the maids or your grandfather will disown you."

Jake promptly laughed. It didn't help that Lee was tickling him.

"Cut it out you." I laughed as I retrieved Jake from his arms and kissed him one last time. "Bye," I whispered as we parted and I picked up the small carry on bag I had with me.

Quickly I walked up the steps and inside before I could change my mind and chicken out.

Lee sighed in relief as Ned waved to him and latched the door closed. He stayed until the plane had taxied out of sight before making his way back to his car.

It was six weeks later and I had spent all of it in hospital under psychiatric care, healing my mind amongst other things. The rest and counseling, once I started to tolerate it, had worked miracles and when I left hospital I was able to walk outside, get into the car and go and meet the other Nightstalker wives without a problem. I apoligised to Annabelle and while I didn't like the woman I was able to tolerate her as I would an annoying client.

The psych people had suggested to me the idea of getting breast implants and after much thought and a couple of phone calls to Rachael, I was heading off to Australia for a healthy dose of TLC and new breasts.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 – Kids!

"She gone?" Maverick asked when Lee arrived back at the house a few hours later.

"Yeap she's gone." Lee tossed his keys aside and ran a hand down over his face tiredly. "Who'd ever think a female would be so scared of implants?"

"She's not scared of the implants Lee, she's scared of the cancer recurring and not being able to have them."

"Hey there, Ashley get away okay?" Maddie asked coming into the room with Rachael fresh from her bath. Lee reached out and drew the towel clad child to him so he could dry her off and get her into her pj's.

"As far as I know she should be on the plane heading for Australia. Mum said she'd call as soon as she landed."

"Witch!" Eli's young voice suddenly rang out as he clumped down the stairs angrily and into the room.

"Whose a witch?" Maverick asked grabbing a hold of his son and starting to dry him off too.

"Krystal of course," Eli rolled his eyes. "Get with the program Dad!"

Maddie laughed as she went back to check on Krystal.

"God I hate lawyers. Darry!" Maverick complained. "Darry, have you finished your homework?"

"Almost," Darry called back from the dining table where he and Chelsea were busy doing homework.

"Hurry up and then you and Chelsea can hop in the bath next."

"Dad I'm not having a bath with no girl!" Darry complained loudly.

"Your Uncle Lee used to give his life to have a bath with a girl, what's your excuse?" Maverick laughed as Lee swiped him with Rachael's wet towel.

"Girl germs Dad!" Eli retorted.

"And what's wrong with girl germs? I love them especially when they're from you're mother." Maverick laughed.

"Well Dad, its like this." Eli started. At the table Darry rolled his eyes. They were all familiar with Eli and his great argumentative skill. "Any germs make you sick but you can kill them with disinfectant so you're alright. But with girl germs you can't wipe the girl down with disinfectant because she'll slap you. So, because of all these germs you can't go near them or you'll get really sick and die," Eli explained with all the sense of a person way beyond his six years of age.

"Maddie!" Maverick yelled in a desperate tone that set Lee off into gales of laughter.

"What?" Maddie snapped slightly annoyed as she came in carrying a wet Krystal. By now Maddie was looking tired, harassed and as wet as the kids and her husband gave her a terribly interested look that earn't him a slap.

Maverick chuckled, "You're a lawyer, explain to your son that just because you can't disinfect girls you won't get sick."

"What are you on about Maverick? Of course we disinfect girls, its called a bath."

Maverick burst out laughing at the face Eli pulled, "You loose Kiddo." Maverick ruffled his hair.

"Do you put dettol in the water?" Eli asked his mother.

"No."

"Then how can you say they've been disinfected?" Eli argued back without hesitation.

"Because soap does the same job."

Eli sighed and ran out of the room and back upstairs.

"Hey, towel belongs in the bathroom!"

"Later Dad!" Eli yelled. Two seconds later he was back with a fresh packet of soap and eagerly tried to read the label. "Mum what does this say?"

Maddie looked amused as she took the soap from her son's hands and started to read it out loud. He motioned for her to keep going every time she stopped and looked at him enquiringly.

When she finished reading the label Eli remarked with delight, "See, nowhere does it say it kills germs or disinfects girls."

"And that means?" Maverick asked.

"And that means its way past your bedtime and you're getting way too smart for your own good." Maddie reached out and tickled her son who forgot his argument and dissolved into helpless giggles.

Suddenly Maverick and Lee grabbed pillows and started pummeling Maddie and Eli. The noise and activity brought Darry and Chelsea running to join the fray and for the next hour dust and pillows flew everywhere.

**One month later**

"Mummy you got your boobies back!" Chelsea screamed when I picked her up from school that afternoon.

I laughed self-consciously as the other mother's looked at me while I waited for Darry and Eli. I looked and felt female again and the implants had done wonders for my mental health.

Maddie was busy cleaning out the office ready for its move to Fort Campbell. We were scheduled to be leaving in two weeks once the boys transfers were finalized.

Darry and Eli appeared, and after a quick stop by the Day Care Centre to collect the twins and a squealing Jake, we crossed the car park to the building that housed Top Gun.

As soon as the glass doors were opened the kids streaked through saying hello to everyone they knew. They skated into Admiral Tom's office demanding chocolate biscuits and were well rewarded.

Both Maverick and Lee were in their office completing paperwork, their faces perfect pictures of concentration.

"Gosh I've never seen you two work so hard before in your life," I quipped from the doorway.

"Ashley! Thank god!" Lee was up and hugging me tightly.

"Good to see you back Honey," Was all Maverick said as he too hugged me tightly.

"And it's nice to see you smiling too."

"Yes well I have something to smile about." I proudly stuck out my new chest.

Lee looked with awe and a slight frown, "They're bigger?"

"Yeap, I went up a size. The surgeon reckoned I could carry it off nicely."

"I like it," Lee said with a broad smile. "So where's the tribe?"

"In with the Admiral caging chocolate biscuits."

At that moment Chelsea and Darry appeared carrying a screaming Jake who instantly held his arms out to me when he saw me. I took him off the kids and after brief 'Hi Dad's' they were gone again.

The day was nice and sunny as Lee finished off his cup of coffee and stared out the back window at Darry and Eli trying to build something. Whatever it was he was yet to figure that out. His young son sat nearby feeding nails into his mouth whilst playing with the screwdrivers.

"Morning where are the girls?" Maverick asked appearing out of nowhere.

"Across the road visiting Bec and Alison, what are they doing?" Lee asked while rinsing his cup.

"Building a tree house," Maverick answered nonchalantly.

"Oh joy. Have we got a tree suitable for that?" Lee looked at Maverick.

"Nope but they're doing a good job of thinking they have."

"Reckon they might need some help?"

"I was just on my way out to supervise."

"Sounds good, what are they going to do when we move in a fortnight to Fort Campbell?"

"Apparently pull it apart and take it with us." Maverick shrugged like it was a normal everyday occurrence and pushed open the screen door leading to the backyard.

"Uh huh," Lee muttered like it all made sense and followed his friend outside.

The two young boys had timber, nails, hammers and screw drivers everywhere. Darry hammered while Eli held the bits of wood together. When he'd finished and sat back to survey the work it fell apart. Darry turned his disappointed gaze on Eli looking for an outlet for his frustration.

"That's your-" Darry started to say.

"Hey boys, having a bit of trouble are we?" Maverick asked crouching down beside his kids. "You know your Uncle Guthrie and I were experts at building tree houses. Every summer we'd find a new tree and set out to make that year's cubby house bigger and better than all the rest. Most of them fell down though."

"Why?" Darry asked.

"Well Guthrie always wanted to be the one to hammer in the nails but he wasn't very good at it until I showed him how, then they stopped falling down."

"Will you show me Dad?"

"I don't know, think you're big enough to wield a hammer?"

"Of course."

"Hey Jake! Come back here, that's our front door!" Eli suddenly cried out as the two year old took off running across the back yard with a piece of wood clutched in his little fists. "Mine! Mine! Mine!" Was all he said as he ran.

"Lee!" Eli cried helplessly not knowing really what to do.

"On my way," Lee stated getting to his feet and chasing after his run away renegade son. Jake laughed delightedly and blew raspberries as he ran all over the back yard.

Eventually they caught the wayward child and rescued their front door.

Throughout the afternoon as the boys built the cubby house more and more things disappeared courtesy of Jake. They all took turns chasing the little terror down and rescuing whatever he took.

Effectively it tired the little thief out and as they hammered the last nail in, Jake was sound asleep on the floor of the brand new cubby house.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 – Fatalities

"What are you doing?" Chelsea came running out into the backyard with her twin sisters following a couple of hours later.

"Building a coffin," Darry answered watching his father carefully as he nailed a roof shingle into place.

"Cool! For who?"

"You."

"Why?"

"Because I don't like you."

"You're mean Darry Mitchell and I hate you!" Chelsea flew out and kicked her young friend in the shins hard.

"Ow!" Darry yelped and went to retaliate but Maverick caught him by the back of his shorts and held him back. "Dad! Let me go!"

"No," Maverick replied.

"Chelsea knock it off, that's not nice," Lee ordered as he fished his sleeping son out of the cubby and laid him on a blanket the kids had dragged outside.

"But Dad, how come Mum can kick and I can't?"

"Your mother doesn't kick."

"Yes she does, she kicked a painter in the shins yesterday and told him to get out, I know I saw."

Maverick laid back on the grass laughing letting Darry go, while Lee only groaned and joined his friend. "What am I going to do with her Maverick?"

"Who Chelsea or Ashley?"

"Both."

"Why what's wrong with us?" I had heard the sentence as I'd come out the back and stood with hands on hips looking down at the two men.

"You want Jake?" Lee asked indicating the sleeping child nearby.

"Nope he's asleep, why would I want him? Chels, Krystal and Rachael, are you going to come and help us make that cake?"

"Yeah nothing out here but mean nasty boys!" To emphasize her meaning Chelsea darted forward towards Darry only he saw her coming and dived behind his Dad.

"Ashley?" Lee spoke from his comfortable spot on the grass.

"What?"

"You got to stop kicking your painters around in front of the children, its sets a bad example."

My face turned a dark red as my little secret had been let out even though Chelsea had promised faithfully not to tell. Maverick and Lee both started laughing at my expression.

"Come on Chels, nothing out here but mean nasty boys," I stated taking her hand and marching inside.

"Love you too Honey!" Lee yelled out after me but I only turned and stuck my tongue out at him with a cheeky gleam to my eye.

"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!" Krystal squealed with glee as Eli's face curled into a snarl.

"You wouldn't dare?"

"Oh yeah? Watch me!" Krystal took a deep breath in and held it daring him to say or do something with her eyes.

"What is it with these kids this afternoon? They were going great until your girls came home," Maverick stated.

"Throw any female in a group of boys and you're asking for trouble," Lee muttered. "Krystal leave Eli alone."

"No not until I see if I can push the dog kennel over."

"It's not a dog kennel!" Eli yelled indignantly, "Besides, you can't, Darry built it and he's strong."

"We'll see about that."

"Krystal," Lee warned her but she wasn't having a bar of it as she put her foot up against the side and pushed with all her four year old strength.

The cubby house creaked a little and fell sideways a few pieces of wood splintering but mostly it held up. Well except for the shingles on the roof Maverick hadn't nailed all of them on as yet.

"Oh shit!" Maverick muttered when he saw the looks between his sons.

Darry looked mortified and started to cry which started Rachael on the chant of crybaby while Krystal streaked off around the yard with an angry Eli hot on her heels, his little hands clenched into fists.

"Darry stop crying it's still intact, just needs a few minor repairs," Maverick reasoned as he and Lee picked it up and set it upright inspecting the damage.

"Daddy!" A scream rent the air and the boys looked over to see Eli sitting on top of Krystal pulling her hair and pummeling her face. They dropped what they were doing and ran to break up the youngsters.

"Eli! That's enough!" Maverick swooped in and lifted his son off the crying, screaming girl.

Lee picked her up and sat her on his knee checking her over for blood or other damage.

"Mummmmmmyyyyyyy!" A second scream broke the air only this one was full of fear and horror that sent chills down both boys spines.

"Oh God! Ashley!" Maddie's panicked cry quickly followed.

Both boys abandoned the kids and ran for the house.

They raced into the kitchen to a scene Lee knew he'd never see again. I lay on the floor, Maddie administering CPR.

"What happened?" Lee asked sliding to his knee's and cradling my head. He slapped my cold face two or three times. "Ashley? Ashley wake up! Please wake up for me. Come on Honey, open your eyes."

"Call the ambulance Mav," Maddie looked at him, still performing chest compressions with tears pouring down her cheeks.

Maverick was already onto it while Chelsea stood quietly in a nearby corner looking scared. The twins ran to her and she cradled them close.

Maverick hung up and shepherded the kids out of the kitchen to wait for the ambulance.

"Maddie stop." Lee reached out with a gentle hand to stop the CPR. "She's gone and even if we could revive her she wouldn't want this."

"While there's still a chance I'm going to keep trying!" Maddie cried in mindless panic, "Dammit! She's my friend, I need her! Dam her! Why didn't she say something?"

"She wanted to live her last few days as normal as possible-."

"You knew and you didn't tell us?" Maddie looked at him hurt stopping the CPR.

"She begged me not too. When she came back from Sydney she told me the cancer had spread and she was given a choice of chemo or the breast implants with no telling how long she'd live. She chose the latter because she wanted to die a whole and happy woman and there was no guarantee's the chemo would have been successful anyway."

"Oh Ashley, why didn't you talk to me?" Maddie cried tears pouring endlessly down her cheeks as she reached out to hold my cold lifeless body.

Lee and Maddie sat there holding me quietly as they waited for the ambulance. Maverick stayed with the kids refusing to go back in the kitchen. He couldn't face seeing his friend lying so still and lifeless on the kitchen floor.

"Why Lee?" Maddie looked at her friend tears streaming down her face. "If she had the chemo she could have lived."

"Maybe. Maddie, if the chemo didn't work she would have died in hospital with her children around her remembering her as having no breasts. She didn't want that and besides faced with the choices she was given, she knew she wasn't brave enough to face the treatment time and time again living on that knife edge of not knowing whether it would work. She didn't want to look in the mirror everyday and be reminded of what might be lurking inside. She also wanted to spare all of us the pain of watching her slowly shrivel up and die if that's what it came down too. She wanted it this way, quick and painless with as little fuss as possible."

"If that isn't Ashley then I don't know what is," Maddie sniffled and wiped her wet eyes with the back of her hand.

"I know." Lee slipped an awkward arm around his friend's shoulders.

"I'm going to miss her Lee, I'm really going to miss her. She was everything to me as a friend, crazy as she was."

"Hey you don't have to tell me-"

"Ambulance is here," Maverick spoke softly breaking up the grieving pair on the kitchen floor.

Maddie nodded dashing frantically at her eyes but unable to stem the flow of tears as the paramedic's came into the kitchen with a stretcher. Reluctantly Lee let go of my cold body kissing me gently as he did so and stood up. Maddie stood with him and he kept his arm around her for a hug and support.

"Don't put the blanket over her face," Lee suddenly instructed the paramedic. "Her children are here and they're young, I don't want them remembering Mummy dying at home."

The paramedic nodded as he and his partner lifted my lifeless body onto the stretcher and covered it with a blanket.

Darry and Eli were clustered around the back door watching the scene in quiet fascination. Darry knew something was wrong with his adopted Aunt but Eli struggled to make heads or tails of it.

It was only when the doors closed on the ambulance that Lee sagged down onto the ground his strength dwindling as his mind grappled with the fact that his beautiful wife was gone. Jake still lay blissfully asleep unaware that he'd never see his beloved Mama again.

"Daddy?" Lee looked up at Chelsea.

"What's wrong with Mummy?"

"She's very sick Honey," He reached out and pulled her into his arms for a cuddle.

"Will the hospital make her better?"

"They're going to try but I don't think they have the medicine to help her?"

"Then get it from somewhere else"

Lee couldn't resist a small smile at his eight year old's logic. "If only it were that simple."


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 – Saying Goodbye

Lee stood listening but not hearing any of the service as the priest spoke. Every part of him ached and his arms felt unbearably empty. How he longed to hold me again, to feel me snug, safe and warm. His heart and head both started a crescendo of 'No's' until it was the only thing he could hear.

People spoke to him, Maddie, Maverick, friends and relatives who had come for the funeral but he didn't hear them.

The sun was warm and he was grateful for Maddie's hand clutched in his. He'd had to leave the kids with babysitters, they were too young to attend or to even understand. Maverick stood on the other side of Maddie holding her hand also. For the last three days she had cried and cried and Lee envied her. What he wouldn't give to cry too! But he was a man and a Navy Officer and they didn't do that although at night when he was alone trying to sleep in the big lonely bed, he didn't hesitate to shed a tear or two as he faced the future.

Lee's mind wandered as the priest droned on with a batch of religious crap that he knew I would have laughed at or made fun of. He remembered the first time he'd seen me, standing uncertainly behind Maddie as she asked about change rooms for the women.

He remembered the sassy smile I'd given him when I'd asked him what he'd give me if I was right. He remembered the quiet hopeful smile as I'd had asked him to kiss me goodnight on our first date.

'_How the hell am I supposed to live without her?_' His mind screamed over and over again.

"Okay?" Maddie asked tugging his sleeve.

He looked down at her but behind the dark glasses she couldn't read his expression and he preferred it that way. "What do you think?"

Maddie nodded.

All three of them were devastated by my loss.

The service was over and Lee watched as my casket was lowered into the ground. He wanted to scream 'No' and jump in there with me but protocol and upbringing dictated that he didn't.

Someone took his other hand and he looked down into the teary eyed face of his mother. She didn't say anything but stood by holding her son, feeling his pain as his world crashed down around him. The last couple of days he could pretend my passing never happened but being there now he couldn't pretend anymore.

Iceman stood by just as rigid and stoic as himself. Surprisingly with what little feeling he had left, it was Maverick who he felt for most of all. Maverick had been my friend and often he'd be the one to pull me out of a down mood or make me see the lighter side of things. Lee remembered the kiss in the hospital and how affected and devastated I had been by it. We were close and my passing had also broken his heart.

Maverick, however, felt marginally better than his wife and partner as he had the job of looking after them and that gave him something to focus on, helping take his mind off my death. Also the kids needed someone to keep up normalcy during this terrible time and he seemed to be the only one capable of such things.

The service was over. People came up to Lee, spoke to him, shook his hand, patted his shoulder and offered words of condolences but he heard nothing. There lips moved but there was no sound. Lee went through the motions of shaking hands and thanking people for coming but it was his partner, friend and mother who did most of the talking for him.

Suddenly Lee needed to be alone. He was sick and tired of all the niceness and sympathy. It wasn't their wife that died it was his and he felt a deep seated need to stop everyone trying to share in that fact.

Maddie and others called as he turned away and started walking away from his own wife's funeral. He didn't want to be there anymore.

"Do we go after him?" Maddie asked helplessly as they watched the loan figure stride away. He moved in the opposite direction to the cars, the people and his wife's grave.

"No let him go," Maverick suggested. "Lee's a deeply private person he won't want to share his grief with anyone."

"Yes that is my son," Rachael spoke in a mixture of pride and sadness as she watched Lee's departing back.

Maddie turned back to the open grave as the undertaker's and cemetery staff slid a matt full of flowers over the site. "Dear god I can't believe she's gone, after everything she's been through."

"I know Honey, I know," Maverick said hugging her close.

Eventually he and Lee's mother led the sobbing girl away into a waiting car for the trip to the reception house for the supper. They had decided to have it at a reception house rather than where we lived, it seemed a lot less invasive for Lee and his children.

Lee walked around returning to the gravesite after everyone had gone. From inside his jacket pocket he withdrew the red velvet box that held my own set of gold pilot's wings. Looking at it momentarily he unhesitatingly pushed some flowers aside and threw them in. Next he shrugged out of his flight jacket remembering how good it had looked on my naked body. How I had loved that jacket and how annoyed he would get when I kept stealing it for my own use. I had driven Lee around the bend stealing his jacket as often as I did. He looked at the jacket for a minute before dropping it into the hole and on top of my coffin. He never noticed the tears trickling down his cheeks as he sank to his knees and said his final goodbye.

When he returned to where the cars had been Maverick was there waiting in the jeep.

Lee sighed and slid into the passenger's seat, "Thanks Mav," Was all he said. Aside from me, Maverick was the only other constant in his life that he could rely on. "She's finally got my jacket so that should make her happy."

Maverick smiled, "Oh for sure."

The jeep started softly and the two handsome men drove away without looking back.

Lee never went to the traditional wake-like supper or had anything else to do with my death. When people called by the house to say goodbye as they returned to their everyday lives Lee went through the routine robotically of thanking them for coming and their well wishes. If they tried to talk about me and what they remembered he would cut them off with a look that said, _'that's my business not yours.'_

He hated talking about me to anyone, even Maverick and Maddie. Maddie thought it was strange but she respected his choice and quietly when she and Maverick were alone, they'd relive the memories between them. Maddie thought Lee was being selfish and unfair especially to our children but she and Maverick made sure they kept the memory of me alive for them.

While Lee never said anything he didn't mind and was grateful to them for doing it. For a long time Lee couldn't bring himself to talk about me in anyway. I was his memory and he didn't want to share me with anyone.

Chelsea as she got older, naturally asked more questions but the twins didn't as they're memories faded. Jake, of course, never knew me.

Over time Lee opened up and started to share with them but it took a long time to do so.


End file.
